Most of us live habitually already. Most of us just aren’t aware of it. 

Wendy Wood, Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes that Stick.

Could the young but realize how soon they will become mere walking bundles of habits, they would give more heed to their conduct while in a plastic state. 

William James, early American psychologist from the late 1800’s and early 1900’s

Regardless of what we say we believe, it’s our daily habits that reveal and shape our actual theology. 

Tish Warren, Liturgy of the Ordinary: Sacred Practices in Everyday Life.

Justin Earley, The Common Rule: Habits of Purpose for an Age of Distraction.

Many counseling clients bring concerns involving relational tensions, the painful emotions of depression and anxiety, or troubles dealing with major life transitions and losses. Yet, the changes required for clients to return to a positive state are not limited to processing and working through thoughts and feelings. Often overlooked is that in order to feel and think differently, they often need to make behavioral changes to actually live differently. For these clients, the desire to establish new ways of living prompts the need for new and healthier habits. In many cases, this requires deconstructing and breaking out of maladaptive habits.

Recently, these conversations with clients started me on a personal research project concerning habits. Over the past two years, I have read a number of books concerning the science of habit. I have augmented this academic research by watching a number of videos on building and maintaining habits. Throughout this time, I’ve had intentional and thoughtful conversations about the nature of habits—how they form us, how they get our attention, and how they help determine what we love.

This Counseling Newsletter is the distillation of what I have learned about habits: what they are, how they shape us, how they are built and broken, and how we might use the science of habit in our own lives.

Habits Are Not Built Upon Willpower or Motivation

What makes for an amazing story about a changed life? Often it revolves around a dramatic, single, firm decision coupled with a strong commitment. Add a powerful squirt of willpower to fuel and propel that change. While this may make for a winsome story, it is not how lasting change usually works. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making small improvements on a daily basis.  But, in most cases, for durable change, the key is small improvements on a daily basis—small and consistent steps.

In most conversations about starting new habits and routines, motivation and willpower get a lot of the focus. It seems that we all look for ways to supercharge our level of excitement, with the hope that we can maintain and sustain this commitment over time. Conventional wisdom asserts that motivation is key. But motivation, it turns out, is unreliable and fickle.

Motivation is like a party animal—a great companion for a night out, but not someone you would rely on to pick you up from the airport. Willpower doesn’t offer much help either, because, over time, willpower fatigues. Willpower is not powerful enough to overcome an entrenched and well-practiced habit. It doesn’t become stronger or more resilient with use—it weakens.

The assumption goes that people with high self-control and internal discipline have a huge reservoir of willpower. In reality, people who are recognized as being high in self-control are people who do not rely on self-control. Rather, they arrange their lives so that their habits become relatively automatic. People who appear to have tremendous self-control aren’t all that different from those who are struggling. Rather, these “disciplined” people are more practiced at structuring their lives in a way that aligns with their goals. They spend less time in tempting situations, and therefore reduce the need to rely on self-control and willpower.

By relying on good intentions and willpower, we overlook the hostile environments in which habits operate. In these situations, making one difficult decision after another becomes increasingly taxing and we get worn out. Willpower and discrete decisions rely on executive control in which we employ effortful cognitive processes to select, manage, and monitor our behaviors. This results in a draining top-down process, which is  pitted against our habitual and automatic responses. The result is an unfair fight. To say that we do things because we “will them” is flattering and feels empowering, but it is largely untrue.

Habits are not Decisions

Decisions and habits are opposites. While decisions require deliberation, habits do not. Habits are not primarily developed and built by executing decisions or choices. Interestingly, the word “decide” and “homicide” have the same etymological root meaning to “cut down” or “to kill.” When we make a clear decision we are eliminating or “killing” other options. This is difficult and sometimes painful—no one wants to limit their options. Consequently, we resist making decisions because we want to keep all of our options open. But, by not choosing, we remain stuck. Doing is different than deciding.  It’s fair to say that decisions are primarily thoughts and intentions, while habits involve action and behavior.

We tend to grow to love the things that we do repeatedly—simply because we have grown accustomed to them through exposure and familiarity. We often develop preferences for things for no other reason than they feel familiar. Efficiency is another reason we like repeated experiences. Past exposure and experience signal safety. Initially, our choices may be accidental or unintentional, but quickly they become our default and turn into our habits.

Habits Shape and Inform What We Love

Most people would not assume that the formation of habits and the emotion of love could be closely related. Yet, we learn to love not primarily by acquiring new information about what we should love, but through practices, routines, and rituals that form habits. These habits shape and inform who and what we end up loving. This happens from the “bottom up” through proximity and repetitive action. Much of this process is happening “under the hood”—beneath our awareness and outside of our deliberate consciousness. A habit is much less of a conscious choice than it is a “default mode,” or the way that we tend to “tilt.”

Our habits are like an internal compass that orients us in the world. They influence our movements in the world and the way we engage with others without even thinking about it. Habits quietly set our default orientation, which propel us toward the choices we make. This process happens in the background. A large percentage of our actions on any given day are done out of habit. Habits are automatic choices that set the stage for the decisions that will follow. Habits are the on-ramp to the highway of other behaviors and choices. You know how it goes: you go to quickly check your phone for messages, only to find that you’ve spent twenty-five minutes flicking through screens.

True behavior change is a form of identity change. You might start a habit because of motivation, but the only reason you’ll stick with it is that it has become a part of your identity. Once your behavior and your identity are aligned, you are no longer just pursuing behavior change—you are acting like the type of person you already believe yourself to be. To change what you do is to change who you are. There is a feedback loop in all of this. Your habits shape your identity, and your identity shapes your habits. You become your habits.

What Is a Habit?

Do something once and it’s a decision. Do something many times, and it becomes a habit. Habits make challenging and difficult tasks seem easy and safe. Driving a car is probably one of most complicated and risky things we do on a daily basis. New drivers have not had the opportunity to develop helpful and adaptive automatic driving behaviors (habits). So for them, driving a car is a demanding, and at times, an overwhelming task requiring a long succession of choices and decisions, all while steering a two-ton mass of machinery.

Habits hate variety, and reciprocally, variety weakens habits. Habits love routine and predictability. If you aren’t arranging your life to reliably cue your new habit, then that habit will not likely take hold. You want to keep the habit-promoting context as stable as possible, choosing specific cues, prompts, and triggers that support your desired habit.

How Does a Habit Work?

Repeating the same activity or task in the same way has the effect of reorganizing your brain. The habit is triggered by a prompt. The cue primes you and then nudges you, guiding you into the new desired behavior.

Habits work for us in ways that conscious decisions never can. Habits work automatically, in the background. Habits avoid debates. Habits slip by the internal arguments and get straight to work. This is what habits are for.

The mechanisms of habit don’t take up space in our conscious mind. Our habits function outside of our immediate awareness. A habit refers to how an action is performed, not what the action is. You can make any behavior habitual as long as you behave in the same way each time. Habits are mental shortcuts in which our decision-making is bypassed. The executive system no longer needs to manage the routine, and fewer conscious decisions are necessary.

Habits and Context

Our behaviors are affected immensely by the context around us. We are not as autonomous as we would like to believe. Yet, we tend to focus our attention on the internal process of decision-making when we should be focused on the prompting nature of our context, how environmental prompts “set-the-table” for certain behaviors, and how these contexts actually influence those behaviors. Self-control is almost always a byproduct of situational control. These contexts enable habits to work so smoothly that we hardly think about them. Environment is the invisible hand that guides behavior. Every habit is context dependent.

Your wake-up routine confirms that mornings are not a time for decisions. Rather, your morning routine is a fertile garden for the planting and growth of durable habits. These contexts (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen) carry predictable prompts. The repeated cues activate the same habits. Morning rituals—coffee and breakfast—are a powerhouse of habits. You decide what to do based on what you have just finishing doing. Each action becomes a cue that triggers the next behavior. Going to the bathroom cues washing and drying your hands, which reminds you to put the dirty towel in the washer, so you load the towels and put laundry soap on your shopping list. (This brings to mind the children’s book, If You Give a Moose a Muffin.)

How Is A Habit Built?

Behavior change through self-control is not nearly as effective as behavior change through altering our contexts. Choose some daily behavior that already occurs in a predictable and reliable way. We refer to these as anchors. Then, connect it to the new desired behavior that you want to build into a habit. The existing predictable behavior now serves as a prompt for the new habit that you are adding to your routine.

In this way, we are now in the right context with the right prompt. If we strategically arrange our world, we can achieve similar results to those who seem to be much more disciplined. We are using the leverage of already-occurring contexts in our lives to build new behavioral chains.

This process of stacking, or piggybacking, is critical for establishing new habits. The entire sequence is now treated as a single item. The automation is already in place (triggered by the context and the prompt). You are just adding an additional step. If you are facing and walking in the right direction—keep walking and always include this new additional step every time.

Your habit formation is not as complicated or as fragile as you might think. Building a new habit does not require perfection but, it does require persistence, repetition, and consistent use of context paired with specific triggers or cues. As you are building your habit, if you miss a day or two, or completely “fall off the wagon,” that is not the end—don’t despair. Instead, use this as an opportunity to revise, strengthen, and sharpen your context and prompt. Make the situation tighter and clearer. Your habit is still forming. It’s a forward-stepping process.

If you miss a day, get back into it as quickly as possible. Never miss twice in a row if you can avoid it. The first mistake, the first miss, is never the one that ruins you. It is the series of repeated misses that follow. Missing once is an accident; missing twice is the start of a new habit. You may not realize how valuable it is to show-up. If you can’t do it perfectly, that just means you’re normal. Perfection is not the requirement—showing up is. Showing up re-affirms your new identity. You are becoming the type of person that does not miss the workout, one workout at a time. You are the type of person who makes dinner at home, the person who takes time to read. Show up when you don’t feel like it. Showing up counts even when you do less than you hoped. It is not all or nothing.

What Accounts for the Persistence, Durability, and Longevity of Habits? How Do People Maintain Consistent Habits?

When acting within a habit, we find ourselves acting before we can consider whether the behavior is what we truly want. Our decision making has become so streamlined that, given the right context and prompt, we consistently move into action. With regular repetition, we stop consulting our intentions. Instead, we just take the next step. People who go to the gym simply go to the gym. Habits come from consistently “obeying” clear contexts and prompts and then engaging in the same reliable behavior. Behavior begets behavior. If you just keep doing it, it will begin happening with more and more ease.

Habits allow us to repeat what we’ve done in the past. Habits rely upon four things:

1. A specific, small behavior that we want to initiate. Lasting habits start small.
2. A specific context or setting (anchor) in which the habit will occur.
3. An identified and clear prompt or cue that signals us to engage in this new desired behavior.
4. Celebration, giving ourselves credit for engaging in the behavior.

What Factors Make for a Robust and Long-lasting Habit?

• Consistent context (same place, same time).
• Attachment to an existing routine (anchor) so that the new habit has a predictable and reliable trigger or prompt.
• The new habit neatly fits into a pre-existing pattern.
• With the new habit, you are not required to make a decision.
• Strong habits take effort off your hands. The decision-making process is eliminated.
• You end up streamlining and not struggling.

How Can I Weaken Or Break An Unwanted Habit?

Sadly, the habit mechanism does not discriminate between behaviors that are beneficial and those that are harmful. From repetition comes habit. We often end up embracing repeated behaviors and habits that are not good for us. We keep procrastinating, overeating, spending too much time playing video games or on social media, and not enough time exercising. This is because it is what we have always done. We persist in these bad habits for little reason aside from the pull of familiarity. We can even end up liking our maladaptive habits.

Corrective information and insight on their own won’t get in the way of an established bad habit. This is because it is the procedural coding—the contexts and prompts that lead you to repeatedly engage in the same behavior in the same way—that protects the bad habit. To effectively disrupt a bad habit, friction and distance are required. Bringing friction to a bad habit involves activating any restraining force that makes it more effortful to engage in the bad habit behavior. A good place to start is to target the context in which the bad habit usually occurs, and then eliminate that context from your life. Removing the prompt is the best first step toward stopping a behavior from happening. Identify the prompts, cues, or triggers that consistently precede your initial steps into the bad habit.

You must also address the proximity factor. Create distance between yourself and the factors connected to the bad habit. We tend to engage with whatever, or whomever, is nearby while overlooking what is farther away. Just putting items, or people, slightly out of reach reduces the habit’s strength. For instance, a familiar marketing saying in grocery stores is, “eye level is buy level.” Items nearer to eye level are more likely to be purchased than the items above our heads or below our waists. Make the elements of your bad habits unavailable, or at the very least, harder to get to.

Friends Who are Sticky in a Good Way

As we have reviewed, durable and sustainable change is rarely the result of a single dramatic event.  Rather, habits that stick are built from seemingly tiny behaviors that are stacked and then reliably executed over time in a predictable way.  In a similar way, lasting habits are rarely built by ourselves—most lasting habits don’t come solo.  Much more often we will find that new habits become old and sustained habits as they are planted and nurtured in the fertile soil of community, accountability, and social support.

Toward this end, it is important to let trusted others know of the tiny changes you are stacking into your daily and weekly routine.  Inform them of the changes you are making so they might come alongside you, encourage you, and check on you.

Approximately 15 years ago I began a program of regularly swimming in the early morning.  This was a new habit and discipline.  I rearranged my bedroom and bathroom environments to reduce the “friction” in order to increase the probability that I would obey the alarm clock and get out of bed, put on my workout clothes, grab my swim bag, walk into the morning cold, warm-up the truck, and then drive to the pool.  I was using anchors and prompts to move me out the door.

Yet, I was also drawn and encouraged to make it to the pool (even before the sun came up) because I knew that there would be swimming friends waiting for me and expecting me to show up.  There were times when I was tempted to crawl back into my warm bed.  And on a few occasions, I succumbed to this temptation.  Yet, as I pushed forward I did so, at least in part, because I did not want to disappoint my swimming partners and I did not want to be in a position of needing to offer a thin excuse on why I did not make it to the pool. This supportive group of swimmers offered both a “push” and a “pull” that helped me stay with the new habit I was building.

It has now been nearly 15 years of early morning swimming (four mornings per week) and this habit has been beneficial in so many ways.  I am surprised to say that the alarm clock is now my friend.  I don’t dread the 5:00 AM alarm.  Getting up has led to early morning moments for a cup of coffee, thoughtful reading, and regular exercise in the pool.  Much of this benefit is owed to the other people with whom I share a pool lane.  In order to build a habit that sticks, and is sticky, it is critical to have a community of encouragement and accountability.

Starting with Tiny Habits
(Adapted from B.J. Foggs’ Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything)

Designing Your New Habit

• Treat the new behavior that you are building as a science project.
• To build a habit, you will be redesigning your environment to reduce the friction between you and the habit you are building.
• Design for simplicity and reliability.
• In behavior design, you are helping yourself do what you already want to do.
• Desire + Capacity/Ability + Anchor/Prompt/Cue: When these three elements converge at the same moment, a new habit can happen. All behavior is driven by these three elements.
• Motivation exists on a continuum, but prompts are black and white.

Start Simple

• Choose a behavior you want, make it tiny, find where it fits naturally in your life, and nurture its growth.
• If you want a habit to grow big, you need to start small and simple. Changes that initially seem small and unimportant will compound with remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them.
• At first, these tiny routines seem insignificant, but soon they build on each other and fuel bigger wins that multiply to a degree that far outweighs the cost of their initial investment. They are both small and mighty.

Start Easy and Tiny

• How might I make this behavior easier to enact?
• By going tiny, you create consistency.
• No matter how much you want to cultivate a healthy habit, you won’t be able to do it reliably if you start big. Tiny allows you to start right now.
• Make the behavior so tiny that you don’t need much motivation.
• The easier the behavior is to enact, the more likely the behavior will become a habit.
• Ask yourself, what is making this daily routine hard to do and how can I make this behavior easier?

Anchors

• An anchor is something in your life that is already stable. You are attaching your new habit to something solid and reliable.
• Use the connectedness of behaviors to your advantage. The key is to tie your desired behavior onto something you already do each day.
• Take advantage of the natural momentum that comes from one behavior leading to the next.
• The anchor moment reminds you to engage in the new, tiny behavior.
• Find a good prompt and make the behavior easier to do. Make it obvious and make it easy.
• The most common cues involve time and location: When situation X arises, I will perform response Y.
• No behavior happens without a prompt. Prompts are the cues that remind us to act—the spark that lights the fire.
• Do the tiny behavior immediately after the anchor moment.
• With a sturdy anchor you not relying on yourself or anyone else to remind you. You’re not overwhelmed with a variety of prompts. Your day-to-day life is the prompt.
• Habit-stacking is using a cue in a highly specific and immediately actionable way.

1. 1. Alarm goes off
   2. Get out of bed and stretch and do three squats
   3. Shower
   4. Brush teeth
   5. Get dressed
   6. Brew coffee and while it brews drink 8 ounces of water
   7. Prepar and eat breakfast
   8. Take kids to school
   9. Drive to work, but park in the far end of the parking lot

Be on Your Own Team

• When you “obey” the prompt and engage in the “tiny behavior,” celebrate! Give yourself credit.
• Don’t engage in “self-trash talk.”
• If you don’t perfectly follow through on the identified prompts, clarify and sharpen the context and the anchor.
• Think through how you might make the behavior easier to do.

Suggestions for Further Reading

James Clear—Atomic Habits, 2018.

B.J. Fogg—Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything, 2020.

James K.A. Smith—You Are What You Love: The Spiritual Power of Habit, 2016.

W. Wood—Good Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes Stick, 2019.

What do dancing the waltz, military battles, and all marital relationships have in common? They all involve advancing and retreating. They all involve leaning in and pulling back. They all involve pursuing and distancing.

All relationships are like a dance. And every marital relationship has a tailored choreography and rhythm. This Counseling Newsletter falls on the heels of the most recent Newsletter entitled, Unconventionally Wise Words on Being Married. Both of these Newsletters are significantly influenced by the work and writing of Dr. Dan Wile. Dr. Wile (who recently passed away) was a brilliant psychologist who developed a very creative and unconventional style of working with couples.

In this Newsletter I also draw upon my own experiences as a son and as a husband. My mom, in her role as a wife, was energetic, loving, and she was the “pursuer and initiator.” In contrast my Dad, in his role as a husband, was consistently gentle, spontaneous, and the “passive conflict-avoider and distancer.” My folks provided a classic example. I learned from the best!
In my own marriage, from the honeymoon forward, my wife and I have been in the process of figuring out we might live in an increasingly redemptive way given our tendencies to either address and pursue relational conflict and tension (Denise) or to avoid, ignore, and distance ourselves from that same conflict or tension (Rich).

Our journey has been joyful, yet complicated. Both of us have been humbled as we’ve come to see that these tendencies (in us and in our parents) are the result of our brokenness. Even so, we are responsible (individually and as a couple) for how we navigate conflict.

I am often uneasy and uncomfortable in conflicted situations and I have come to acknowledge that my default mode is usually to avoid conflict, to distance, and to punish others with withdrawal and disengagement. I don’t like this tendency within myself (and it is embarrassing to admit), but this is what I have often done when functioning in my default mode during times of conflict and tension that have arisen with Denise.

In contrast, wanting to keep peace when conflict arises between us, Denise often becomes anxious, unsure, and agitated. She pursues verbally, relationally and emotionally.

And this is where our dance begins—Denise pursing and Rich distancing. Neither of us like this pattern—neither of us enjoy this dance. But, it is a choreography that we know well.

After many years of discouragement and confusion, I came to the conclusion that when conflict and tension arise between Denise and me, my goal should be to “stay put.” “Staying put” is shorthand for not retreating and not distancing. It means being relationally accessible even when Denise becomes anxious and insecure. “Staying put” is the respectable, mature, husbandly way for me to respond to our episodes of tension and conflict. “Staying put” helps Denise be less of a worried-pursuer because I am not distancing myself from her.

Denise’s corresponding goal and posture, when we are in the midst of tension and conflict, is not to be “pushing-in and pressuring,” which is her default mode. This means that instead she takes a deep breath. She reminds herself that we’ve had arguments and conflict in the past and we’ve gotten through it. “Not being pressuring” means that Denise does her best to use a calm and steady approach as she encourages me to “stay put.” And I work hard to “stay put” because this helps Denise remain calm and secure. We have now slowed down the tempo a bit, we are listening and engaging thoughtfully, and with some grace we are dancing through the complicated choreography of marital conflict.

We all have trouble dealing with our pursuer-distancer conflicts because we can’t stand the idea that we have them. Pursuers hate it that they pursue. Distancers hate it that they withdraw.

Pursuers and distancers see themselves as defective people with defective partners in defective relationships.

Pursuers are upset as they picture themselves as dependent, insecure, demanding, and nagging. They often have long painful histories of receiving criticism from others (and themselves) about such tendencies. In addition, they frequently associate this characteristic with a parent whom, at least in this respect, they don’t want to be like.

Distancers often have similar experiences and sensitivities about being seen as withdrawn, uninvolved, or afraid of intimacy. Distancers (especially husbands) are ashamed and embarrassed that they don’t step-up to tension and conflict and deal with it head-on. They despise their tendency to avoid and ignore the conflict.

THE PUSH AND THE PULL

If fighting isn’t the couple’s main problem, then withdrawal often is. Fighting and withdrawal (pursuing and distancing) may seem like different problems. But they are intimately related and each can lead to the other. Withdrawal and distancing leads to fighting and pursuing leads to withdrawal just as dieting leads to binging and binging leads to dieting. The fight-withdrawal (pursuing-distancing) cycle is an occupational hazard of being a couple.

Between the two of you, one is always more likely than the other to deal with uncertainty or tension by engaging. This engaging almost always develops an accusing quality that leads to the other to defend, disengage, and withdraw.

Her buttons are pushed when she feels abandoned and she deals with feeling abandoned by pressuring. His buttons are pushed when he feels pressured and he deals with feeling pressured by distancing. The pursuing and distancing causes couples to appear even more incompatible than they actually are.

As spouses, you may have a severe case of a problem that, to one extent or another, every couple has. What makes the problem so difficult is that almost every attempt to solve it deepens it. One spends most of her time trying not to pursue (and that is part of the problem) and the other makes ineffectual and counterproductive efforts to not withdraw.

Yet, it’s important to remember that the pursuer has reason to pursue, and the distancer has reasons to distance. Since she reacts to withdrawal with demandingness, he reacts to demandingness with withdrawal. She is actually abandoned and she has reasons to pursue. He is actually pressured and he has reasons to withdraw. The problem becomes self-escalating.

The more he withdraws, the more she needs reassuring contact. The more she seeks contact, the more he needs to withdraw. The first step in understanding how your pursuing or distancing partner can possibly act and feel the way he/she does is to appreciate that it’s going to be hard to understand them.

BEING DEPRIVED AND BEING STUCK

The pursuing person isn’t the only person being deprived. The distancer is being deprived too; he or she just doesn’t know it. Each partner’s attempt to deal with his or her problem increases the problem of the other. One deals with the feeling of abandonment by pressure, while the other deals with feeling pressured by abandoning. The recognition that they are stuck in something together may enable them to increase their sense of sympathy for their shared position.

As previously stated, pursuers and distancers are both deprived. Pursuers pursue to try to get what they’re missing. But no one realizes that distancers are just as deprived. While the pursuer may be deprived, for example, of having a partner who looks forward to spending time with him/her, the distancer is deprived of having a partner he/she wants to spend time with. They both lose part of themselves: the distancer loses the part that might want to engage with, talk to, and be affectionate toward their partner; the pursuer loses the part that might otherwise have prompted their partner to pursue relational moments on their own initiative.

Couples are in a good position, or at least a better position, when they are able to jointly appreciate how desperate their positions are, individually and as a couple. People who see their partners and themselves as caught in a difficult situation, rather than as just stubbornly refusing to change, are likely to feel more sympathy about their situations. Pursuers and distancers often feel that it would be easy for their partners to change. Pursuers don’t see why it would be so difficult for their partners to be a little more forthcoming and affectionate. In contrast, distancers don’t see why it would be so difficult for their partners to be a little less dependent and demanding.

BOTH PARTNERS ARE RIGHT, BUT IT STILL GETS COMPLICATED

For example, one partner typically wants to do a particular thing (or talk about a certain thing) at least slightly more than the other does. Soon, the first person (the pursuer) is seen as always wanting to do that thing, and the second person (the distancer) is seen as never wanting to do it. Both the pursuer and the distancer are partly right. The pursuer is right, for example, that it’s important to be able to talk about their problems, whereas the distancer is right that, at the moment, they have no way to do so that won’t just lead to a fight. The pursuer is already spending most of his/her time trying not to pursue (and that’s part of the problem), and the distancer is already making futile efforts not to withdraw.

The pursuer might comment, “You seem quiet tonight,” but there is a hidden criticism in this statement. It implies that he/she shouldn’t be quiet. One senses that criticism, defends himself/herself by criticizing in return or withdrawing. It doesn’t take much to get a pursuer-distancer interaction going. And once it starts, the dance can escalate quickly.

THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER

She is no longer pursuing. Instead she is talking about her pursuing. He is no longer withdrawing. Instead, he is talking about his withdrawing.

This couple needs a non-accusing way to think and talk about their “stuck place.”

One has a reason to pursue (they are being abandoned) and the other has reason to withdraw (they are being pressured). Both of them have important points to make that they are having
trouble getting them across. The only way to avoid pursuit and distance is to be completely non-accusing, which is mostly impossible.

BROKEN, BUT REDEEMED

As a psychologist, and as a husband, I seek to approach my life, my work, and my marriage from the perspective of being an “adopted son” who is accepted and made right with God. It is from this perspective that I understand that I am “broken.” I recognize that my brokenness often gets in my way as I seek to be a redeeming influence in my marriage.

It’s my desire to gently lead and shepherd my wife, Denise—to responsibly and self-sacrificially care for her. I do not seek to care for Denise in this way because I believe that she is not competent or because I believe that she cannot take care of herself. Rather, I willingly and gladly take on the call to care for and to guard her in a kind and loving way (as God cares for and protects us). I can see God using my relationship with Denise to confront my fallenness—my selfishness, my primary concern for my desires, and my defensive and self-protective ways. God is kind and gracious as He confronts me with my broken and sinful ways. He is growing me up and maturing me as He continues to show me that my strategies to avoid conflict are not honoring to Him, to me, or to Denise. This is a humbling process for which I am thankful.

In Denise’s desire to break her pattern of being the purser and to love me even though I am her husband-distancer, she starts with a time of asking God for help. She asks to see herself clearly, to be newly-reminded of her secure place in God’s love, and in my love. She then waits for a non-conflictual moment to bring up her concern or hope. She (these are Denise’s own words) has the need and desire to abandon her expectations, to be honest when speaking to me, and then to let the issues go and see what happens. Denise often finds that when she can relax into this stance, that I (her husband who is working on gently leading) am better able to “stay put” and listen.

Generational and life-long patterns of pursuing and distancing do not change easily. These patterns and habits of the “flesh” are very robust and stubbornly tenacious. Yet, God promises to complete the work He has begun in our lives. And that is a promise worth holding onto as we continue to work on seeing ourselves more clearly and pushing into these changes.

The apostle Paul suggests these “dancing” outfits:

“So, to those chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (Col. 3:12-14 – The Message)

Over the past 20 years, I have attended a number of Dan’s seminars and I have read his books and blog posts. In this Counseling Newsletter I will highlight and summarize some of Dr. Wile’s most wise and incisive comments on the causes of marital tension and how you might use his approach to improve, strengthen, and deepen your marriage.

What Seemed Cute

The behavior (routines, habits, tendencies) that once seemed cute have now become annoying. Does she really have to smile that way all the time? The differences that once seemed minor now appear glaring. Doesn’t he ever want to go out? Habits that were once irritating now have become infuriating. Does she have to turn on the radio every time she comes into the room? The negative side of what originally attracted us now slides into view. I love her energy, but can’t she ever sit down for a second?! His steadiness is calming, but doesn’t he get excited about anything? I love her honesty, but does she have to speak so brutally about me?

Forming and building a new relationship is like entering a new culture. And if it’s broadening to travel to another country and to another culture, then it’s broadening to form a new relationship. Entering a new culture or relationship produces problems, however. The goal is to obtain the benefits of this new culture and, at the same time, to be able to deal with it’s problems. That’s what a marriage is like.

Over time, the issues and problems that partners handle well become taken for granted. But, the ones they can’t handle well—the sticking points in the relationship—move into the foreground. Soon it is only these sticking points that the partners are aware of. This newsletter is about creating a non-accusing vantage point above the marital fray. Ideally this shared relational vantage point will serve as a platform from which we can talk about our relationship without getting into fights. This relational platform, or communicative perch, can provide a way to recover from those fights that we do get into. Operating from such a platform, we will be able to commiserate with our spouses about these fights and turn them into occasions for intimacy. Much of this approach is about viewing our partners emphatically. It’s about counteracting our usual tendency which is to view our partners and ourselves accusingly.

Finding the Hidden Reasonableness

A key life assumption of mine is that there is no random or chance behavior—even in marriage relationships. Everything we do, even our foolish and poorly considered words and speech, are intended to do something “that works.” All of our behavior is intended to solve a problem. Admittedly, often times our behavior is immature and selfish—and such behaviors and words don’t actually serve to solve the relational problem. Often times they do the opposite.
A primary goal in this marital therapy model is to develop a platform, a non-blaming vantage point, from which couples can recognize the ways in which their partners (as well as their own) behavior makes sense. Even though the behavior does not seem sensical.
Behavior that appears on the surface to be inappropriate, irrational, childish, or pathological always has a hidden rationality in terms of the present and not just the past. Part of the process of marital therapy is to open our eyes and hearts to this disguised or hidden “reasonableness.”

Certain Problems are Unsolvable

Each marriage relationship has its own particular set of inescapable recurring problems. Each marriage has its own set of challenges and redundant issues that remain throughout the length of the relationship. We don’t grow out of these patterns. In fact, in many cases, these unsolvable problems seem to become more unsolvable as the years pass.

So, there is value, when choosing a long-term partner, to realize that you will be choosing, along with that person, a particular set of irresolvable problems, that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or even 50 years. (If you get divorced and remarry, you are in essence exchanging one set of irresolvable problem for another. Your hope is that the new set may be easier to deal with than the old.)

Another way to phrase this notion of unsolvability is that what people don’t like about their partners, may be the other side of what they do like. In fact, a relationship is, in some sense, the attempt to work out the negative side effects of what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Certain problems are unsolvable, at least for the moment.

I am not saying that marriage relationships are futile and forever fraught with chronic upset and tension. But, it is important to acknowledge that there is a degree of unsolvability in all marriages. A key component in building a stable, solid, and loving marriage is to develop a way of working with, around, and through these unsolvable domains.

Talking About the Problem

In all marriages there are two problems.

1. The problem itself.
2. The way partners talk (or don’t talk) about the problem.

The goal is to be able to talk about the problem, not just once, but in an ongoing way.

Practically every technique and approach used in marital therapy reduces to one thing: finding a way to talk with your partner that works out. At any moment, there is a conversation you and your partner could have that would help the two of you deal with what is happening in the relationship at the moment. As you are able to clearly express your heart and mind—and as you are able to deeply listen to your spouse’s heart and mind, you are developing a platform on which to commiserate, to build a shared understanding, and to take actions which you both support and are invested in.

It is not surprising that the heart of a marriage relationship is commonly described as sharing common interests, companionship, doing things together, raising children, trust, loyalty, commitment, sexual closeness, and love. I agree that these are a big part of being a couple and sharing our lives.

But, I also disagree. In a different way, the heart of a couple’s relationship is saying what you need to say with the sense that it has gotten across: feeling that you’ve been heard and understood, believing that your spouse will take your words to heart and that this conversation will change how you live as a couple, believing and knowing that they have heard you and given your words weight in a way that will change their words and behavior. Having such conversations is at the heart of couple relationship that works out.

We Are Told

Mental health professionals and relationship experts offer advice on how to communicate. They offer quippy one-liners that are supposed to help us get along. Although these suggestions can prove to be helpful, they are not as wise as they may seem to be. Here are some thoughts influenced by Dr. Wile.

• We are told that when voicing a complaint we should make “I statements.” Yet, it is also true that “you” statements already have within them hidden “I” statements. We are told that beginning a confronting sentence with “you” is aggressive and blaming. But, it is also true that “you” statements signal that something needs to be talked about; “I” statements provide the starting point to do that.
• “You statements” (accusations) are not all bad. In fact, in a surprising way they can be useful. They are rough approximations of “I” statements with a little heat added. The you statement, “You are completely selfish and irresponsible,” can be thought of as a rough first approximation of the “I statement,” “I felt taken for granted when you came home late last night.” To start with a “you” statement along the way to an “I” statement can be a good start.
• We are told not to say never or always. But it’s also true that people says always and never when they feel they aren’t getting their point across. It’s a means of emphasis and an expression of frustration.
• We are told to listen to our partners and not interrupt—to wait our turn. But, it’s also true that we have a hard time listening to them when, as often happens, we feel un-listened-to by our partner. We are left with a difficult choice: to interrupt, which squelches the other person, or not to interrupt, which squelches us.
• We are told not to speculate about our partners’ feelings, but to talk only about our own feelings. But mind reading, attempting to read our partner’s mind, might reveal what’s on our mind and, as such, might provide a helpful clue to what we are feeling. It turns out that mind reading is often an expression (projection) of our own feelings, particularly worry and fear, put in the form of assertions about our partner’s feelings. (On the other hand, mind reading is telling people what they are thinking, feeling, rather than asking them or waiting until they tell you.)

A Marital Fight

We may not like to admit it, but all couples have conflict—and sometimes the tension, distance, and conflict becomes intense and protracted. Dan Wile offered some wise and unconventional perspectives on marital conflict and working them out.
In its essence, what is a marital fight? It’s an exchange in which two people become increasingly frustrated because neither is able to have his or her say. Whenever I see a fight (or find myself in one), I immediately assume that this is what’s happening. People are unable to make their points because:

• They aren’t stating them clearly.
• They don’t know what their points are (and thus they have no chance at all of getting them across).
• Their partners aren’t listening.

And, of course, their partners aren’t listening. A fight is going on, and the point in a fight is to refute what the other says rather than to listen to it. In a fight neither participant has any interest in hearing what the other has to say until the other hears what he or she has to say.

If a fight is created by each partner feeling un-listened-to, then the way out of it is for one of the partners to begin to listen.

Listening

Very often, accusing turns your spouse into someone who can’t listen. Yet, listening to your partner can turn him/her into someone who might listen.

Taking a different approach, your partner is more likely to listen to you if you report the hurt and disappointment that underlies your anger.

For starters, one way to get your partner to listen to you and to be more open to your perspective is to express the ways in which you agree with what he/she just said and go from there to make your point.

The belief that you are having a discussion when you are really having an argument has given talking a bad name. Thinking they’re only talking when they’re actually fighting, people come away all the more convinced that talking just makes matters worse.

It’s difficult to have a fight and a conversation at the same time—and often it’s necessary to have the fight first. Fights are, thus, both pathways and obstacles to conversations.

Other Marital Communication Truths From Dr. Wile

• Fantasies are seen, on the one hand, as something that you shouldn’t be having and, on the other hand, as something that your partner should be fulfilling.
• Rather than telling people not to violate communication rules, I would want them to expect to violate them, recover and apologize, and then to use their violations as clues.
• Become an expert in the art of interrupting without interrupting, that is, finding ways of expressing your objection that don’t completely cut off your partner.
  • “I want my chance, because you’re saying a lot of unfair things. But go on.”
  • “It’s taking all of my effort to keep from interrupting you.”
  • “You may be making some good points, but I’m too upset by your tone to be able to listen.”
• When a person says, “You don’t like any of my friends,” what he or she might really mean is, “I’m worried that you don’t like me.” That’s what mind reading often is. It’s a worry put in the form of an assertion. It’s a fear stated as a fact.
• We all store up complaints. We do it all the time. And we often do it without knowing it.

We are told to be polite, respectful, and tactful. In fact, being polite, respectful, and tactful is one of the rules that communication skills trainers tell us to follow. But being polite, respectful, and tactful requires suppressing complaints. And suppressing complaints means storing them up. And storing them up leads to dumping them out. So here’s my suggestion. Instead of telling someone that they shouldn’t dump out stored-up complaints—I recommend that they use these “dumped out” complaints as clues.

• In “prefacing” the person shifts to the overview level before the conversation: describing feelings, fears, hopes and reservations about what they are about to say.
• In “recovering” they shift to the overview level after the conversation. They step back from the argument and try to figure out what happened.

I am a backpacking rookie.  I don’t own a backpack or a lightweight stove.  I’ve gone on two previous backpacking trips—one with a church group when I was in the 7th grade (we were snowed in and rescued)—and the second backpack trip occurred when I was 24 or 25 years old and working at the Palo Alto VA.  Neither of these adventures were very positive.

But, this trip went much better due in large part to the guidance and mentoring of Mike and Kari—two dear friends who initiated and organized this backpack adventure.  Mike and Kari planned the entire trip and they purchased all of the necessary items.  They just asked me to bring my clothes and toiletries.  How could it be so simple!?

On Sunday night, we laid our items on the living room floor and the kitchen table and we loaded our backpacks.  Mike and Kari were encouraging and supportive—-but in hindsight—-they did not offer much packing direction to me—-the wilderness novice.

So, with basically with no rhyme or reason, plan or method, I pushed and shoved item after item into my pack.  It all seemed to fit—-so I closed the zippers and cinched the lid—and thought that I was in good shape.

Given my limited backcountry experience it has always seemed to me that backpacking basically involves taking items from your dresser, the kitchen, and the workbench and placing them on your back.  Along the trail, the sights and the vistas might be amazing—but all the while one is schlepping a significant load.  Each person is basically carrying a burden (a yoke of sorts).

During that first day on the trail my pack was digging into my hips and the shoulder straps were not riding well.  My pack was listing to the left—-a bit like a tree long bent by a howling wind.  As we walked, Mike commented that my pack seemed to be teetering to the left—-the pack and my torso seemed to be out of balance.  I was reminded why I had never been drawn to backpacking and carrying a load.

At the end of that first day of hiking, as we set down our packs, Mike uttered an unwanted suggestion.  “Rich—-I think you should empty your pack.  Take everything out and set it on the ground.  Item by item I’ll help you get organized.  As we put these items back in your pack we’ll do it thoughtfully.  The items that you wanted to easily get to today—-we’ll put those in these zippered outside pockets.  The heavy items—-like the tent and the food items—-we’ll center those in the pack so they are positioned against your spine and centered between your hips.  So go ahead—-empty your pack.”

Empty my pack—-what was he talking about?  I was tired and worn out.  I wanted to soak my feet in the creek, have some freeze-dried dinner, and get into my sleeping bag.  But, since I also wanted to be a cooperative guest I followed Mike’s direction and emptied my pack.

Mike returned a few minutes later and we began to carefully and strategically place (and secure) each item in the pack.  We thoughtfully chose where each item would be located given its weight, size, and whether or not I might want get to that item as we hiked the next day.  The end process was that all of these items again fit into my pack—but now they were fitted to the pack—-and now the contents of the pack were also fitted to me.

But, we were not done—one more series of adjustments was needed.  Mike had me put on the pack and then he began adjusting the hip belt, shoulder straps, and the sternum strap.  He was fitting the pack to the contours of my hips, back, shoulders, and chest.  It was like getting fitted for a new business suit.

Now the contents of the pack were thoughtfully and wisely positioned and balanced.  And the pack itself was fitted to me.

For the next 4 days on the trail my pack was still heavy—-it still had weight—-but it was not a burden.  It did not weigh me down.  I knew that I was still carrying forty pounds—-but now this load was fitted to me.  The load was not light, but it was a load that was “tailored” to me.

This process of backpacking and working with my pack got me thinking about what the Bible says about burdens and yokes.

These passages came to mind.

• Matt 11:28-30. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
• Ps 55:22. Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
• Gal 6:2. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
• I Pet 5:6-7. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, for He cares for you.
• Matt 23:2-4 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat.  So you must obey them and do everything they tell you.  But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.  They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

From my experience in the Sawtooth National Recreation Area and pondering over these passages of Scripture—these observations that come to mind.

1. The backpack must be fitted to the person.  It must fit well around the hips, shoulders, and sternum.  One size does not fit all. The burden and yoke that Christ has for us—must be made for us—it must be a burden, role, or responsibility that He has tailored to us.  We must not assume that the burden or yoke of another is intended for us.  We must ask ourselves, “What is the burden, load, or yoke that God has for me—and how might He be intending to fit and adjust this load to me—-and how might He be intending to use this load in my life—-for my good and for His glory?”
2. The backpack must be filled with only essential items.  We must not load ourselves down with extraneous and non-critical items.  Whatever we put (and whatever God puts) in our pack—-we’re gonna carry it.  So it’s important to ask the Lord—what is it that You want me to carry? And how might You use this item/person/concern/issue to change me and to minister through me?
3. The pack must be packed in a thoughtful, wise, and useful way.  On the first day of our adventure my backpack was organized in a manner that was not useful—-and as we began hiking I did not even know that this was a problem.  I did not know the difference between a well-organized pack and a disorganized pack. It was the process of trying to get to needed items (that were stuffed in the bottom of the pack) that demonstrated to me that I had much to learn.  So, with each day as I packed and unpacked my backpack this process brought me to more clearly understand what items I needed to have near at hand and what items could be put to the bottom of the pack.  I was learning to strategically prioritize and value what was most important.
4. In packing my backpack I also needed balance.  On the first day of our trek my pack listed to the left because the weighty items were not placed near the vertical center of the pack—-they weren’t close to my spine.  Consequently—my load felt heavier than necessary. My load did not feel light—-I felt the strain on my hips and shoulders.  The weight (burden, yoke) would have been much more manageable (it would have fit me better) if the weight had been better “fitted” to me and if the weight had been wisely and thoughtfully balanced.
5.   Midway through the backpacking adventure another person in the group (Donny) offered to carry the tent.  In exchange I carried a larger portion of our food. This was a gracious offer—and I appreciated the relief.  To have a slightly lighter load was a great help. (Gal. 6:2—bearing one another’s burdens)

I have not been backpacking since this adventure with these dear souls.  But, I have been regularly reminded of the truth that God has roles, responsibilities, and burdens for me to bear.  God has a yoke that is fitted to me.  And, by the Spirit, He intends to carry these loads with me.  He intends that the weight will strengthen and mature me in Him.  And I know that if the burden is not from Him—-and if the yoke is not fitted to me by Him that I will not be able carry it well—for I will not be carrying it in Him.

From a spiritual and psychological perspective, this state of constant movement and restlessness comes at a great price.  In many ways, I too have been caught-up in being too active, too productive, and too busy.

This Counseling Newsletter is about Rest and Sabbath.  For much of my life I have not taken seriously God’s exhortation (command) to rest in Him.  Sadly, I have been reluctant to set aside enough of my pressing agenda to allow time to deeply relax, breathe, and find rest in God.  But, this is a new season and I am desirous of developing a lifestyle of more fully resting in God and intentionally developing a Sabbath heart and habit.

In September 2018, I was in Switzerland serving as a staff psychologist at a men’s Christian retreat called TRACTION.  During this time it became clear to me that I had not lived a life of rest and resting in God—I had not seriously considered the notion of Sabbath.  While in Switzerland I wrote an email message to my adult kids.  Here is what I wrote:

“Adult Morey Kids—as I write this (and I will tell you this in person) I want to apologize for not modeling well for you how to rest, be quiet, and be still—and take Sabbath.  We’ve been talking about Sabbath and rest in our small groups and I shared that I think I taught you well how to work, how to be productive, how to serve others, how to use your time well, and how to play hard.  But, I went onto say that I don’t think that I taught or modeled for you (at least not well or consistently) how to take time to rest, slow down, and be still.  For this I apologize.  I am wondering how/if you may have learned this elsewhere or from others (maybe from Mom).  When I get back, and in the months ahead, I would really like to unhurriedly, and at a leisurely pace, listen to your thoughts/feelings on this.”

The conversation about Sabbath, within my own soul and with my adult kids, continues.  Below are a series of quotations.  The books from which these passages are drawn are listed on page 4.  They express the wisdom of taking time for rest and Sabbath.  If a need for Sabbath and rest resonates with you —I invite you to bring that conversation to one of our sessions.

Hurry

In a culture where busyness is a fetish and stillness is laziness, rest is sloth.  But without rest, we miss the rest of God…Some knowing is never pursued, only received.  And for that, you need to be still….Sabbath is a day and an attitude—a spot on the calendar and a disposition of the heart…Sabbath—in the long run, is as essential to your well-being as food and water, and as good as a wood fire on a cold day.

I was just in a hurry.  I’ve been in a hurry most of my life.  My biggest regret in life—being in a hurry.  Getting to the next thing without full entering the thing in front of me.

Time itself is not enough, but when time is absent, nothing else is present.

When I was a boy I learned to skip rocks across a lake. If I threw the stone fast and true, it could skip clear to the other side, barely getting wet. But if I threw it too slowly, it hit the water once and disappeared. We don’t want to disappear. If we slow down we might be pulled by gravity to the bottom of our feelings, we might drown in all we have lost. So we keep moving, never finding refuge.

These “lost” values are human qualities that require time. Honesty, courage, kindness, civility, wisdom, compassion——these can only be nourished in the soil of time and attention, and they need experience and practice to come to harvest. These are not commodities that can be bought, sold, or invested. They cannot be manufactured, advertised, or marketed. Our core human values, the deepest and best of who we are require the nourishment of time and care, if we are to grow and flourish.

Attention

Maybe He just wants your attention.  Maybe that’s what God requires most from us:  our attention.  Indeed, this is the essence of a Sabbath heart: paying attention.  It is being fully present, whole awake, in each moment.

Martha’s industry joined to Mary’s attentiveness.  The best is to have Martha’s hand and Mary’s heart.  Put your hand to the task, Martha-like, and do it with all your heart, Mary-like. (see Luke 10)

Leisure and Sabbath

Before we keep a Sabbath day, we cultivate a Sabbath heart.

Leisure is Sabbath bereft of the sacred.  It is a vacation—literally a vacating, an evacuation.  Leisure has become despotic in our age, enslaving us and exhausting us, demanding from us more than it gives.

Sabbath and Relaxing Without Guilt

The lie here is that I have no right to rest…I have no right to a lot of things.  I have an inescapable need for rest.  You cannot rest until your work is done…and the work’s never done.  It’s always more than you can finish and less than you had hoped for.  Sabbath is sheer gift.  Sabbath is a stop-work order in the midst of work that’s never complete, never polished.  It’s the rest we take smack-dab in the middle, without apology, without guilt, and for no better reason than God told us we could.

Sabbath and Paying Attention

Stop. Look. Look Close.

There is a subplot of comedy in the Bible: God or Jesus or an angelic messenger shows up, and those who should know better, who should be paying attention—priests, lawyers, teachers, apostles—typically miss it—while those least deserving—shepherds, children, beggars, whores—typically grasp it, and immediately…Of all the days we might set apart to practice the art of attentiveness, Sabbath is an outstanding candidate.  Sabbath invites us to stop—to relax w/o guilt.

The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception (Prov. 14:8).  The wisdom of the wise is to give thought to their ways.  They think about what they’re doing.  Wise people ask, “Does this path I’m walking lead to a place I want to go?  If I keep heading this way, will I like where I arrive?”

Stillness

We only thrive by an ample measure of stillness.  A bird not nesting, then plummets.  Grass trampled day after day—gets scalped and hard.  A saw used without relent grows dull and brittle.  A motor new that is not maintained sputters, stalls, and seizes.

We’ve not been still long enough, often enough, to know ourselves, our friends, our family.  Our God.  The worst hallucination busyness conjures is the conviction that I am God. All depends on me.  How will the right things happen at the right time if I’m not pushing and pulling and watching and worrying?

Play

Play is an anticipation, as shadow is of reality, of a rest that never ends.  Play and Sabbath are joined at the hip, and sometimes we rest best when we play hardest.

Play feels irresponsible.  How can you justify it when there are so many things still to do on your to-do list?

The Sabbath in the Old Testament (Psalm 92:1-5) was a day for rejoicing. Many modern readers of the Bible seem to miss this. They imagine the Old Testament Sabbath as an oppressive day burdened by endless rules and prohibitions. But it wasn’t like that. People didn’t have to go to work! They were given an opportunity to gather with their families and friends from morning till evening and enjoy the presence of God! It was a good day—one in which they could literally play lively tunes on their harps and sing joyful psalms from their hearts.

God’s Sovereignty and Sabbath

Unless we trust God’s sovereignty, we don’t dare risk Sabbath…Jewish Sabbath begins in the evening—with sleep.  Sleep is an act of faith.

There’s no rest for those who don’t believe that God is sovereign.  If God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called to His purposes, you can relax.  If He doesn’t, start worrying.  If God can take any mess, any mishap, any wastage, any wreckage, any anything, and choreograph beauty and meaning from it, then you can take a day off.  If He can’t, get busy.  Either God’s always at work, watching the city, building the house, or you need to try harder.  Either God is good and in control, or it all depends on you.

Sabbath as Counter-Cultural

Jesus’ Sabbath-keeping always looked to His enemies like Sabbath-breaking.  That was one of the many ironies of their accusations against Him.

Isaiah 58:13-14. Isaiah brings the central issue of the Sabbath controversy into clear and bold focus. Whose day is it? Who is the Lord of the Sabbath, and will I bow before Him? How does the Lord of the Sabbath want me to use the day for my good and His glory?

Mark 2:27. You are not made for the Sabbath; the Sabbath is made for you.

Sabbath and the Heart

When I say Sabbath, I also mean an attitude.  It is a perspective, an orientation.  I mean a Sabbath heart, not just a Sabbath day.  A Sabbath heart is restful even in the midst of unrest and upheaval.  It is attentive to the presence of God and others even in the welter of much coming and going, rising and falling.  It is still and knows God even when mountains fall into the sea.

Sabbath Set Apart

God blessed the seventh day and made it holy. Literally, that means that God sanctified it or set it apart (from the other days). God made the seventh day something special, a spiritual and material blessing for all humanity.

The word holy refers to someone or something that is unique, distinct, set apart by God from common use for His purposes. We are called to keep or maintain the Sabbath as a day set apart by God for rest and refreshment of both body and soul.

Sabbath as a Covenant

Thus, the Sabbath became a sign of the covenant, an emblem of the special relationship of grace between the Redeemer-God and His chosen people.

Sabbath and Rest

A major blessing of Sabbath keeping is that it forces us to rely on God for our future. On that day we do nothing to create our own way. We abstain from work, from our incessant need to produce and accomplish, from all the anxieties about how we can be successful in all that we have to do to get ahead. The result is that we can let God be God in our lives.

Rest is here defined as refreshment. The fact that we are not working does not necessarily mean that we are resting. The word translated “refresh” in the Old Testament also means to “breathe.” A man is refreshed when, having exhausted himself, he recovers his breath. The Sabbath is a God-given opportunity to catch our breath in the midst of our weekly routine of work.

The Sabbath prescription is a loving reminder to take full advantage of a condition that already exists. At rest, our souls are restored. This is the only commandment that begins with the word, “remember,” as it refers to something we already know, but have forgotten. It is good.  It is whole. It is beautiful. In our hurry and worry and acquiring and working, we forget. Rest, take delight in the goodness of creation, and remember how good it is.

Just because we are working hard does not mean we are making anything happen.

The wisdom of Sabbath time is that at a prescribed moment, it is time to stop. We cannot wait until we are finished, because we are never finished. We cannot wait until we have everything we need, because the mind is seduced by endlessly multiplying desires. We cannot wait until things slow down, because the world is moving faster and faster, and we cannot be left behind. There are always a million good reasons to keep on going, and never a good enough reason to stop.

Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives.   Wayne Muller.

Receiving the Day: Christian Practices for Opening the Gift of Time.   Dorothy Bass.

Celebrating the Sabbath: Finding Rest in a Restless World.   Bruce Ray

The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath.   Mark  Buchanan

Yet, I am also a Christ-follower with faith.  However, my relationship with God, as well as my faith, are informed and thoughtful and not without doubts and questions.  I do not “check my brain” at the door as a Christ-follower.   Rather than “blind faith”, I approach matters of the heart and soul based upon a “rational faith.”

This brings me to the topic of listening to and from hearing God.  As I have grown older I have become less interested in speaking and more keen to listen as I pray.  I already know what I have to say and I am tired of listening to myself.  I have grown much more interested in listening to others and to God.  I have a deepening desire to hear God—to hear Him speak both spiritually and relationally—n my heart and in my soul.  I want to hear God so I might know Him more intimately and how I might partner with Him concerning what He is doing in my life, in the world, and in the lives of others. 

Because of this, in recent years I have been on a quest to listen to God.  I want to hear Him.  This has required (and continues to require) that I slow down, that I become less busy, and that I move toward a “quieter place.”

An inspiration in this regard has been Dallas Willard, Ph.D., professor in the Philosophy Department at the University of Southern California.  Willard was a learned and wise man and a Christ-follower who lived an intentional, unhurried, and thoughtful life.  He devoted much time and attention to knowing and listening to God.

On my journey of listening and hearing I have read several books by Dr. Willard.  Below are some of Willard’s quotes related to quieting ourselves so we might hear God and respond to His voice.  I hope that his words gently and thoughtfully provoke you.  If his thoughts connect to some of issues/concerns that we discuss during our sessions—I would love to process these with you.

Hearing God

“Hearing God.  Some would say that this (wanting to hear from God) is presumptuous and even dangerous.  But, what if this is what we are made for (hearing God)?  What if the human system simply will not function properly without it (hearing God)?  Is it not, in fact, more presumptuous and dangerous to undertake human existence without hearing God?”

Conversing with God

“If God is personal, why would He not talk to us?  God is with us in a conversational relationship.  He speaks with us individually as it is appropriate—which is only to be expected between persons who know one another, care about each other, and are engaged in common enterprises.”

Are We In-Tune

“Are we “in tune”?  The fact that we do not hear does not mean that God is not speaking to us.  It is common, even at our human level, for us to not hear those who speak to us.  We are likely showered with messages that simply go right through or past us.”

“Some of Jesus’ deepest teachings are about hearing.  He taught in parables so those who did not really want to hear the truth could avoid it.  He realized that not everyone has ears for the straightforward purpose of hearing but that some use their ears to sift out only what they want to hear.  One of His most repeated sayings was, “If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.”  He also urged His hearers to make a great effort to hear, assuring them that what they received would be proportional to their desire and effort.”

Are We Ready to be in Business with God?

“If you find yourself in a position where you can honestly say, “God has never spoken to me,” then you well might ask, “Why should God speak to me?  What am I doing in life that would make speaking to me a reasonable thing for Him to do?”  When our lives are devoted to the will of God, He has reason to speak to us.  But for a willing walk in conscious, loving cooperation with God, we must come to grips with the issue, What are we living for?  We must face it clearly.”

“If you know of no disturbing voice. If God never points out for you a pathway all together different from the one you had planned—then—the voice of God would be an unwelcome intrusion into your plans.”

“What would we do if we heard the word/voice of God?”

”Perhaps we do not hear the voice because we do not expect to hear it.  Then again, perhaps we do not expect it because we know that we fully intend to run our lives on our own and have never seriously considered anything else.  The voice of God would therefore be an unwelcome intrusion into our plans.”

God is not a Trickster

“If you indeed cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding—if you seek it like silver, and search for it as for hidden treasures—then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.” Proverbs 2:3-5

“God is not a mumbling trickster. He is both able and willing to communicate to us plainly, just as long as we are open and prepared by our experience to hear and obey (act).”

“Few human beings really do concretely desire to hear what God has to say to them.

People who understand and warmly desire to hear God’s voice will, by contrast, want to hear it when life is uneventful just as much as they want to hear it when they are facing trouble or a big decision.”

“Only our communion with God provides the appropriate context for communications between us and Him.  So our union with God consists chiefly in a conversational relationship with God while we are each consistently and deeply engaged as His friends and laborers in the affairs of the kingdom of heavens.”

“Can you make any sense at all of an intimate personal relationship where there are no specific communications?  We must therefore make it our primary goal not just to hear the voice of God but to be mature people in a loving relationship with Him. Only in this way will we hear Him rightly. That is our first general guideline.”

God’s Will and Our Conversation with Him

“When my children were small they were often completely in my will (Dallas Willard’s will) as they played happily in the backyard, though I had no preference that they should do the particular things they were doing there or even that they should be in the backyard instead of playing in their rooms or having a snack in the kitchen. Generally speaking we are in God’s will whenever we are leading the kind of life He wants for us. And that leaves a lot of room for initiative on our part, which is essential: our individual initiatives are central to His will for us.”

“God indwells His people through personal presence and fellowship. Given who we are by basic nature, we live—really live—only through God’s regular speaking in and to our souls and thus by “every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

How could there be a personal relationship—a personal walk with God—or with anyone else—without individualized communication?

Recognizing and Hearing God’s Communication (voice)

“The sheep follow Him because they know His voice.”  (John 10:4).  The Biblical shepherd simply calls as He calmly walks ahead of the sheep.  When God speaks and we recognize the voice as His voice, we do so because our familiarity with that voice enables us to recognize it. We do not recognize it because we are good at playing a guessing game about how the occasions through which His direction comes do or do not match up with each other.”

“In many cases our need to wonder about or be told what God wants in a certain situation is nothing short of a clear indication of how little we are engaged with Him and in His work.”

Assumptions and Parables

“Our preexisting ideas and assumptions are precisely what determine what we can see, hear, or otherwise observe. These general ideas—which so often we hold because they express how we want things to be—determine what stories/accounts can mean to us…Some of Jesus’ deepest teachings are about hearing. He taught in parables so that those who did not really want to hear the truth could avoid it. What they received was proportional to their desire and effort. Did they want to know if they were on the wrong path? “To what use would I try to put a word from God?”

God’s Still Small Voice

“God often speaks in a still small voice—or in a gentle whisper. Both of these expressions emphasize the unobtrusiveness of the medium through which the message comes.  God’s “still small voice”—or the interior or inner voice—is the preferred and most valuable form of individualized communication for God’s purposes.”

“God will not compete for our attention. In most cases God will not run over us. The reality of God’s voice does not make seeking for it unnecessary.”

“The voice of the subconscious argues with us. It tries to convince us. But the inner voice of God does not argue, does not try to convince us. It just speaks, and it is self-authenticating. It has the feel and the content of the voice of God within it. It is a Spirit of exalted peacefulness and confidence, of joy, of sweet reasonableness and goodwill. And because it bears His authority it does not need to be loud or hysterical.”

The Father’s Face

“A little child’s mother died. He could not be adequately consoled and continued to be troubled, especially at night. He would come into the room where his father was and ask to sleep with him. He would never rest until he knew not only that he was with his father but that his father’s face was turned toward him. He would ask in the dark, “Dad, is your faced turned toward me now?” And when he was at last assured of this, he was at peace and was able to go to sleep. Without real communication from God our view of the world is very impersonal, however glorious we may find God’s creation. But there is all the difference in the world between having a fine general view that this is our Father’s world—or even that an arrangement has been made for our eternal redemption—and having confidence, based in experience, that the Father’s face, whether in the dark of night or the brightness of day, is turned toward us, shining upon us, and that the Father is speaking to us individually.

Human Language, Our Inner Thoughts, and Communion with God

“The two most important (and likely the most common) ways in which God speaks to us:

1) in conjunction with the language of human beings,

2) through the inner voice of our own thoughts.

I believe I can say with assurance that God’s speaking in union with the human voice and human language is the primary objective way in which God addresses us.

Another way in which God addresses us in our own spirits—our own thoughts and feelings toward ourselves as well as toward events and the people around us. I believe this is the primary subjective way in which God addresses us.

God’s whole purpose is to bring us to the point where He can walk with us quietly, calming, and constantly, leaving us space to grow to be His (often fumbling) co-laborers.”

All quotations are from Dallas Willards’ book entitled, Hearing God: Developing A Conversational Relationship with God.

While on this vacation we stayed with a couple (Charlie and Frauke) in the Raleigh-Durham area and it was while visiting with Charlie that I came upon the book, Humilitas: A Lost Key to Life, Love, and Leadership by John Dickson.  Charlie was mid-way through the book himself and he strongly recommended it.  I deeply respect Charlie as a psychologist and as a Christ-follower—-so I ordered the book while on our trip.

Below you’ll find some excerpts from the book and my thoughts on those passages.  Humility does not get much play in our 21st century culture.  It seems that the factors of social media, the predominant entertainment culture, and the seeming self-sufficiency and self-satisfaction of U.S. culture have had the effect of pushing the virtue and characteristic of humility deeply into the background.

The Origin of the Word:  The origin of our English word humility is derived from the Hebrew (anawa), Greek (tapeinos), and Latin (humilitas). The origin of the word and its varied meanings over the centuries can give us insight and understanding into how the virtue of humility has been considered in the past and how it is relevant in the 21st century.

• The word “humility” derives from the word meaning “low” as in “low to the ground.”  The word can be used in a derogatory way—“to be put low, to be humiliated.”  But, the word can also have a very positive connotation—“intentionally lowering one self.  The noble choice to redirect our power and influence toward (under) the service of others.”
• “Humility is the noble choice to forgo your status, to deploy your resources, or use your influence for the good of others before yourself.”
• “Humility is a willingness to hold power in the service of others.”

Humility as Virtue and Character:  Humility is an elusive character trait.  It cannot be pursued directly.  Rather, humility is a by-product of how we understand ourselves and how we see ourselves in relationship to others, creation, and history (what and who has come before us).

• “Humility stands alone among the virtues in that as soon as you think you have it, you probably don’t.”
• Humility is not dazzling.  “It is rather a low key virtue.  It often takes a while to spot humility in others, partly because the truly humble person is not at all concerned about appearing humble.  He is not thinking of himself at all.  He won’t be thinking about humility: he won’t be thinking about himself at all.”

Leadership: Leadership is usually considered to be the domain of the overtly powerful, the political, the flashy, or the wealthy.  Yet, a humble attitude and a humble posture toward others have the amazing ability to indirectly influence and persuade.

• Dickson persuasively contends that, “The most influential and inspiring people are often marked by humility.  True greatness frequently goes hand in hand with a virtue that, on the face of it, might be thought to curb achievement and mute influence.  In fact, it does the opposite.”
• “Leadership is not about popularity.  It is about gaining people’s trust and moving them forward.”  “Deep and abiding leadership (which can be thought of as shepherding and providing direction) has little to do with structural authority.  Rather, an enduring position of leadership is the result of providing a real and believable example coupled with trust that is earned over time.”
• “Think of the people who have had the most influence in your life over the years.”  They are probably those who set a consistent and believable life example thus earning your deep and enduring trust.
• “We are more attracted to the great who are humble than to the great who know it and want everyone else to know it as well.”
• “We are repelled by pride.  However, greatness is enhanced by humility.”
• “Arrogance is as ugly as humility is beautiful.” 

Humility and Others: Humility is about a right relationship with God, with myself, and with others.  Humility is basically about relationships.  Humility is about coming under, lifting up, and serving others.

• Humility is more about how I treat others than how I think about myself.”
• “Humility assumes the inherent dignity of the one humbling himself—-it is a lowering of oneself from a height.”
• “The real power of effective leadership is maximizing other people’s potential, which inevitably demands also ensuring that they get the credit.”
• “Humility is a key part of what moves others.  Few are considered more trustworthy than those who choose to use their power for the good of others above themselves.”
• “It is a special kind of person who has so much to give, yet prefers to find out about others.”

Humility is Commonsense:  Knowing What We are Not and Knowing What we Don’t Know:  The notion of humility is not for the esoteric or academic.  Humility is blue collar, down and dirty, from the earth of the commoner.  Humility speaks to our shared and communal brokenness and our blessedness as His imager bearers.

• “What we don’t know and can’t do far exceeds what we do know and can do.  A little humility then, is hardly rocket science.  It is common sense.”
• “Knowing a lot in one area should, in theory, underline just how much there is to know outside your specialty.”
• “Knowing a lot in fact demonstrates how much I don’t know.”
• “It is a fact of our nature, it seems, that most of us have a grossly exaggerated sense of our own abilities.”
• “The first step is to realize that one is proud.  And a biggish step, too.  At least, nothing whatever can be done before it.  If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”

Humility, Christ, and Christ-followers:  By its very nature the virtue of humility is a spiritual matter.  And humility is not always in fashion.  The message of the Bible contains the most radical claim concerning humility.  The Biblical account essentially contends that God humbled Himself as He took on human form as He sought to rescue those who had rebelled and turned away from Him.  He humbled Himself, and gave Himself as a sacrifice, for those who were infinitely below Him.  This is radical and sobering humility and grace.

• “The western world’s fondness for humility at all almost certainly derives from the peculiar impact on Europe of the Judeo-Christian worldview.”
• “The Old Testament prophets long spoke of the Almighty’s special concern for the crushed and humiliated—-for the poor and the oppressed.”  In the New Testament Christ spoke of being “humble of heart” and “poor in spirit.”
• “Crucifixion was the ancient world’s summum supplicium (ultimate punishment) reserved for political rebels and slaves.  Following the resurrection and ascension Christ’s first followers (disciples) began to re-think the entire honor-shame paradigm in which they had been raised.  This brought about a humility revolution.  Christ humbled himself and was obedient to death—-even death on a cross.  Saint Paul urged his readers to “in humility consider others better than yourselves.”  Humility was turned from a source of embarrassment to a virtue modeled by God.
• “If the greatest man we have ever known chose to forgo his status for the good of others, reasoned the early Christians, greatness must consist in humble service.”
• “What to the ancient mind would have seemed a perverse symbol of accomplishment, to the modern mind make perfect sense: of course you would put a cross at the highest point of the world.”  How ironic that this shameful thing (the Cross) has been raised to such a high place.

Humility, Growth, and Maturity: Humility requires openness to correction and listening to and accepting feedback.  Humility assumes that you may not know yourself very well.  Humility assumes that you may be blind to the spaces of pride in your life.  Humility can be a place to grow and mature.

• “Humbling places are often the places of growth.”
• “Opening yourself up to the vulnerability of being wrong, receiving correction, and asking others how they think you could do better—-that is a low place that is a high place.”
• “The humble person is reflective and careful to listen.”
• “Mistakes of execution are rarely as damaging to an organization (company, family, church) as a refusal to apologize to those affected and redress the issue with generosity and haste.”

We all have quirky habits. Strange and repetitive things that we do that give us a sense of order, predictability, and safety. But in some cases, these habits are tied to intense feelings of anxiety. These cases include many accounts of those who suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Essentially, OCD is a case of a good impulse gone bad. OCD involves a reasonable and adaptive desire that becomes grossly distorted exaggerated. In the end, OCD becomes a ruthless, tireless, and unremitting tyrant of excessive demands.

Some years ago I worked with a client (who I’ll refer to as Joe) who formerly worked as a technical writer for a computer company in Silicon Valley. His attention to detail and precise nature were perfectly fit for writing very technical manuals for a variety of electrical devices. Yet, this personal strength became a liability. Joe’s perfectionistic ways began to disrupt his daily routine. He was unable to leave his home for work without checking and re-checking all of the locks on the doors and windows. Sometimes this process took 15-20 minutes. Joe also developed compulsions involving personal hygiene. He showered and washed himself in specific and prescribed ways, otherwise he felt he was not clean. After showering, he felt the need to dry and dress himself in a specific sequence, following a rigid protocol. If one component of this behavioral chain was not properly completed, the entire sequence was repeated over again. As you can imagine, Joe’s work performance declined and he was ordered to take a leave of absence to “get over this problem.” This enforced sabbatical brought Joe to my office. He was suffering from OCD.

OCD—a cycle of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

For all of us there is a very close connection and ongoing exchange among what we think, how we feel, and how we behave. In their infancy, obsessional thoughts and compulsive behaviors can be adaptive. For instance, an accountant may double and triple check figures and sums before a federal tax return is submitted. An airline pilot may double and triple check his flight plans and cockpit instruments. In their early stages, compulsive behaviors can be helpful and adaptive. Yet, for those with OCD, these ruminative thoughts and required behaviors become internal dictators and tyrants. A strategy and approach that once served becomes a harsh slave master.

All obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are driven by anxiety. Anxiety is based upon real, imagined, or exaggerated fears, threats, and concerns over potential loss. OCD sufferers engage in compulsive rituals in an effort to manage anxiety and keep the potential loss at bay.

Let’s define some key terms. OCD is a set of unwanted thinking, feeling and behaving patterns that are very difficult to control, unproductive, and stressful.

1. Thinking patterns—or obsessions are senseless, unwanted, and usually unpleasant thoughts, images, and/or impulses. These unwanted thoughts intrude into a person’s mind even though they are unwanted.
2. These thoughts provoke feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and fear that something bad has happened or might happen. The feelings trigger the urge to do something to reduce the anxiety and to deal with the obsessional thoughts.
3. The avoidance strategies and behavioral responses/compulsive rituals comprise the behavioral patterns that people with OCD get into as they try to cope with their obsessional thoughts and attempt to restore a sense of subjective calm and safety.

The OCD Sequence

What are the factors that drive the OCD process?

First there is a trigger. This is a situation or object that (when confronted) triggers or prompts the feelings of anxiety and distress.

Second, one experiences an obsessional intrusion. This can include an unwanted thought, image, or impulse that causes distressing feelings. Usually, the obsessional themes (thoughts, images, doubts) are connected to whatever the person considers most important—the things treasured and valued. This is why obsessions are so distressing and make a person feel so uncomfortable, anxious, or unsafe. Basically, the obsessive thoughts provoke anxiety.

Third, one has the urge to avoid or escape the obsessional thought. It’s only natural to avoid what seems dangerous. Avoidance, however, only temporarily brings feelings of safety. It doesn’t permanently reduce the obsessional fear. To make matters worse, these avoidance patterns are self-perpetuating—the more they are used, the more frequent and intense they become. Avoidance is not only, but also maintains and strengthens the faulty obsessional beliefs.

Fourth comes the thought of the feared (exaggerated, distorted) and possible consequence. These are the dreadful outcomes or tragedies that a person predicts (and fears) will happen if he doesn’t do something to deal with the obsession, such as protecting himself by performing rituals, seeking assurance, or avoiding certain situations all together. The obsessional thoughts drive catastrophic interpretations and grossly exaggerated outcomes. The imagined or real threat is massively over-estimated.

Fifth come compulsive behaviors or rituals. If the seemingly dangerous object or situation can’t be avoided, the next best solution may be to perform a ritual to reduce the anxiety and get protection from the feared consequence. Essentially, compulsive rituals are attempts to reduce the anxiety. Although these approaches provide temporary relief, the rituals are not helpful as long-term solutions. The rituals provide an immediate feeling of relief or relative safety, but they are only a temporary solution. Ironically, the rituals and avoidance actually make OCD stronger. This is because rituals generally expand and take up increasing amounts of time and energy; they often reach the point of severely disrupting day-to-day life. Rather than providing relief from anxiety, they become a problem in their own right.

As an example, a person might be concerned about personal safety and order so she begins checking her doors and window locks before leaving the house. This then generalizes to checking appliances and faucets. After a while, checking these items once is not enough, several rounds of ritualistic checking are required to quell the anxiety. This progresses so the person has time to do little else beyond checking and seeking reassurance of safety. What began as a prudent behavior has grown into a dominating and relentless OCD pattern.

Sometimes the compulsion involves not only behavior but thoughts as well. These mental rituals can be easily missed by observers because they’re thoughts rather that observable behaviors. In some cases of OCD, the person begins to consider thoughts as equivalent to actions. This is referred to as “thought-action fusion.” The person experiences an intrusive (unwanted) thought about a bad deed and believes that this thought is just as bad as actually committing the bad deed. The line dividing thought and action becomes blurred. Merely the experience of having a thought sets into motion the OCD sequence.

Obsessions come in endless variety, but they cluster into a limited number of distinct categories:

• responsibility for harm or mistakes
• contamination
• sex
• symmetry or order (ordering and arranging; repeating actions)
• violence and aggression
• religion and morality

        Sixth—OCD sufferers tend to seek reassurance from trusted people. They seek assurance concerning their fears and imagined consequences. The goal in seeking this reassurance is not to gain new information or insight. Rather, the goal is to reduce their level of anxiety by hearing someone else (a trusted person) confirm what they’re already relatively sure about.

Cognitive Behavioral Treatment

The goal of treatment is to allow clients to navigate and adequately manage not engaging in the compulsive behavior and not obeying the obsessional thoughts, while also managing their level of anxiety. The goal is not to eliminate the fear or anxiety, but to enable the client to move ahead with day-to-day life without engaging in the ritualistic thoughts or compulsions. The CBT approach employs four key steps: 1) cognitive therapy, 2) imaginal exposure, 3) situational exposure, and 4) response prevention.

1) Treatment begins with discussions about the intensity and frequency of the obsessional thoughts, compulsive behaviors, and avoidance strategies. Clear treatment goals are agreed upon. Both the client and therapist honestly assess the treatment challenges and carefully weigh the client’s motivation/commitment to change.

2) The goal of imaginal exposure is to weaken the connection between the obsessive thoughts and feelings of anxiety and to weaken “thought-action fusion.” Clients are not asked to think of anything that they have not already thought about. “You’re already thinking these thoughts—they’re your obsessions. In this phase of treatment our goals is to help you confront these thoughts in a deliberate and therapeutic way.” Initially, these imaginal exposures occur in the counseling office. Yet, very soon the client is asked to continue with these imaging sessions at home as in-between-session homework. Over and over the client makes himself confront the thoughts/doubts/images that frighten him the most—and also hold onto those thoughts instead of trying to distract, resist, or push them away. By doing this he takes the wind out of their sails and wins the upper hand. Repeatedly facing these distressing thoughts helps him realize that he doesn’t need to control or suppress them through mental or compulsive (behavioral) rituals. Imaginal exposure increases tolerance for anxiety. Through deliberately facing distressing thoughts and purposefully holding them in his mind (without ritualizing) the client learns that anxiety won’t last forever.

3) Situational exposure involves confronting situations. For example, a client may be asked to touch objects that usually provoke fear and anxiety. With the help of the therapist, the client gradually and therapeutically confronts the objects, situations, and thoughts that trigger obsessions, avoidance, and compulsions. The exposure plan moves progressively from situations and objects that are the least fear provoking to those most fear provoking. These exposures are intentional—not accidental. And the exposures are prolonged—not brief. The exposures are long enough to allow the client to habituate to the stimuli. And the exposures are repeated—one time exposure is not enough. During these exposure episodes the client is changing how he interprets and responds to intrusive thoughts and obsessional triggers. This is when the critical change happens—because mental interpretations and behaviors are voluntary—they are under the clients’ control.

4) Response prevention means abstaining from rituals and other fear/anxiety-driven behaviors that seem to provide temporary relief but actually make OCD worse in the long run. An example of response prevention include refraining from washing or cleaning rituals so the client remains “contaminated” for longer periods of time. This allows the client to confront the triggers and purposefully remain in the feared situation long enough to see that the anxiety decreases. All the while, the client (with coaching from the therapist) calms himself by using soothing coping strategies and affirming internal dialogue.

Treatment Outcomes for OCD: CBT and Psychiatric Medications

Many studies (across age, gender, ethnicity) of exposure and ritual prevention have been conducted. Results have shown that about 65% to 75% of those treated with this CBT approach improve substantially, and most have maintained their improvement years later. Yet, in selected cases, psychiatric medication may also play a helpful role in treating OCD. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) have proven to be somewhat helpful in the treatment of OCD. These medications tend to be less effective overall when compared to CBT. Based on medical research, there is a 50% chance that a person will positively respond to such a medication. If you are one of the 50% who respond, you are likely to experience a 20-40% reduction in your obsessional and ritualistic symptoms. Unfortunately, if treatment gains are achieved, you will need to continue taking the medication to maintain these gains.

OCD and a Christian Perspective

My work with clients is informed from a perspective of Christian conviction. From this perspective, I believe that Satan (yes—I believe in forces of good and evil) is a parasite. He has never created anything, but he does distort truth and he leaches evil out of what is good. Satan is a deceiver and a destroyer of life. He takes a good and right impulse or urge and twists it into a web of suffocating and unremitting demands. He distorts God’s truth and persuades us to remain under the “law.” He convinces us that it is our performance that eases our anxieties and fears, and not God’s unmerited favor and grace.

What we believe about our relationship with God, through Christ, determines how we navigate feelings of anxiety and fear. And what we believe to be true always shows up in our behavior.

I find that the empirically based CBT approach of exposure with response prevention is consistent with a Christian perspective. For the Christian client, I can anticipate how this approach would be enhanced and empowered by God’s indwelling Spirit, His abundant provision of grace and love, and the support of an intimate and understanding Christian community. Throughout the healing process, the OCD sufferer would do well to meditate on the truth revealed in His word concerning identity and life in Him.

Summary and Resources

OCD is one of the most common and prevalent psychological/psychiatric disorders. Its course usually begins in an innocuous manner. Over time, a helpful or adaptive habit (mental or behavior) becomes grossly exaggerated and distorted. The obsessions and compulsions are fueled by anxiety and fear and they grow into a dominating and domineering force in a person’s life. The treatment approach with the best empirically supported outcomes involves exposure and response prevention. The most helpful book I’ve reviewed on the topic is, Getting Over OCD: A 10-Step Workbook for Taking Back Your Life, by J. S. Abramowitz, Ph.D. (Guildford Press, 2009).

Plumb and Level

Some time ago I was working on a tile job in one of our bathrooms. We removed the plastic tub and shower surround and put in a new acrylic tub. We put in green board, cement board, and then tile. The project went pretty well and we (Denise and I) have learned a lot in the process.

During this bathroom tiling project, two thoughts crossed my mind.

First, I have been struck by the importance of plumb walls. You see, in our bathroom the walls were close to plumb—but not quite. From side to side, they were about 1/4 inch off. This may not sound like much (and at the beginning of this project it didn’t sound like much to us either) but this lack of “square” showed up in many repeated ways as we cemented the tiles into place. Basically, we found ourselves constantly correcting for this lack of plumb. We had to trim perfectly square tiles to fit with our out-of-square walls.

This got me to thinking about raising kids. If in our families we don’t have a clear idea of what is plumb and level (what is best/required in character, spirit, behavior) then we will certainly have kids that are out of plumb. And if they’re out of plumb, we’ll spend the remainder of the project (raising them) adjusting to their out of plumb state. The lack of square on the front end will require intensive and often frustrating and heart-breaking effort on the back end. It is better with kids (and it would have been better with our bathroom tiling project) to start with walls that were plumb and square, because this makes the rest of the project flow much, much more easily.

Tile: Hard But Brittle

Secondly, I have also been impressed by the nature of tile. On the one hand, tile is so hard. During this project I had to drill three holes through pieces of the tile. I was amazed by how difficult it is to drill through tile. In fact, I broke three tile pieces attempting to drill these holes. Even when I had the right tool (diamond drill bit) the job was challenging. Yet, although the tiles were very hard, they were also very brittle. On more than one occasion I momentarily mishandled a tile and it easily chipped or cracked. While putting one tile on the wall (with thin set cement underneath) I was amazed as the tile cracked in half as I pushed/slapped it into place.

So tiles are a contradiction, much as we might be. At one moment they are tough and almost impenetrable—tenaciously resistant. At the same time, they are also very delicate and inflexible—very easily chipped, cracked, and broken. And isn’t this like us? I am reminded of how I can move into periods when I become resistant, stubborn, inflexible, and difficult. Yet, during those same periods, I tend to become (although I try not to reveal this to others) easily offended, irritable, and cranky. My stubborn and strong-willed state also brings with it the problem of being easily chipped and cracked.

A dear friend reminded of the similarities between pieces of tile and pottery and a spiritual implication. In many passages (Romans 9:21, Isaiah 64:8, Jeremiah 18:1-6) followers of God are likened to clay on a potter’s wheel. “Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” Of course—the Potter may do whatever he likes with the clay. In a similar way—God may mold and shape His followers to His good pleasure. Yet, even as He crafts us it is not the pot or vessel that is of great value, rather, the value is found in what is contained in (in what inhabits) the vessel. We are earthen vessels—we are clay pots—but we may invite God to inhabit us. May it be true that we’re pliable and responsive to His movement in us and through us.

Constructing and Tearing Down

In another home project a few years ago, I helped my brother-in-law demolish a bathroom in preparation for a remodel. We were both in the bathroom bashing away at the tile walls. Under the tile we found drywall and framing. Amazingly, in just one afternoon we were able to completely destroy and remove a bathroom that once took many days to construct. Skilled and intentional craftsmen devoted their time, energy, and experience to design and build the bathroom. What they constructed with expertise and a thoughtful approach—Mike and I destroyed in an afternoon of unskilled swinging and bashing.

This reminded me of the truth that building something significant and meaningful is usually an intensive labor of love—-but destruction often takes just a few moments. I thought upon the many things that require sustained effort and skill to build: solid friendships, healthy families, productive careers, clean reputations, and loving marriages. And yet, I was also reminded of how very quickly those very things can be so quickly and thoughtlessly destroyed through hurtful words, poor choices, and pride.

Concrete

A few years ago I was helping a friend (Tony Wallace) pour a concrete slab for an extended patio. As the concrete began to harden and “heat up” we discovered that in too many places, aggregate (small rocks) were coming to the surface. We wound up scrambling—as the concrete became harder and less workable–to remove the rocks and smooth out the concrete.

When I arrived home that evening and was cleaning up—I got to thinking about the hardening concrete and how it was difficult to shape and contour. This reminded me of being a parent and how raising kids is a lot like working with concrete. When the concrete is fresh and wet, it is easily shaped. It can even be poured like a thick soup. But, once it starts to dry and harden, it becomes like rock. Trying to shape and mold hardened concrete is a strenuous and punishing task requiring much effort with little effect. Reshaping hardened concrete is difficult on the shaper and on the concrete—both parties suffer. Similarly, it is very difficult to shape/raise/influence a child/young adult if they have begun to “harden up”—if there is no longer a loving, trusting, abiding relationship.

Truths Within Baseball: Relational, Theological, and Practical

1. We all have a position and job to do. All baseball teams have pitchers, catchers, infielders, outfielders, all-stars, and role players. For a team to be successful, each player must know his role and do his best to fill that role. A team cannot win solely on the amazing performance of a single player. It takes a complete team effort—those on the field, those in the dugout, and those in the bullpen. At home or at work—to really win, everyone must know their role and how they are important to the team’s success.

2. You are lost if you don’t know where home is. “Baseball is quintessentially American in the way it tells us that as much as you travel and far as you go, out to the green frontier, the purpose is to get home, back to where the others are, the pioneer ever striving to come back to the common place. A nation of migrants always, for all their wandering, remembers that what every immigrant never forgets; that you may leave home but if you forget where home is, you are truly lost and without hope.” Bart Giamatti

3. But—when we return home—we can only stay for a short while. “Baseball is a game about homecoming. It is a journey by theft and strength, guile and speed, out around first to the far island of second, where foes lurk in the reefs and the green sea suddenly grows deeper, then to turn sharply, skimming the shallows, making for a shore that will show a friendly face, a color, a familiar language, and, at third, to proceed, no longer by paths indirect but straight, to home. Baseball is about going home, and how hard it is to get there and how driven is our need. It tells us how good home is. Its wisdom says you can go home again but that you cannot stay. The journey must always start once more, the bat an oar over the shoulder, until there is an end to all journeying.” Bart Giamatti

4. To achieve anything worthwhile in life requires real risk. A batter has just hit a crisp single to the outfield and now he proudly stands on first base. This is a fine achievement—but the goal in baseball is not to arrive a first base but to cross home plate. To get to second base will require risk. The runner must creep away from first base and attempt to steal second. This is an opportunity that involves change. But he must take the risk because remaining on first base is of no value. His single only matters if he can get home. Be wise and prudent—but also do not be afraid to take risks.

5. Even fallen stars can provide lessons. When my boys were younger, they were amazed by the batting talents of Barry Bonds. As a hitter, his skill and power were incredible. But, in the public eye, Barry Bonds was not so impressive—he seemed prideful. The boys found it interesting that they were not drawn to Bonds, but to the SF Giants first baseman, J.T. Snow. Snow was not an impressive player—but he seemed like a nice guy—he played the game with integrity. One of my boys once commented, “If Barry Bonds acted nice like J.T. Snow, everybody would really love him. People already love him (Bonds) even though he seems stuck-up. But if he was nice—they’d really love him.” What won their hearts were not the towering home runs—but the winsome guy who smiled.

6. The elegant geometry and timing of baseball. Finding beauty in a moment of time. A runner is on first base and the ball is hit on the ground to an infielder. With the crack of the bat begins a beautiful ballet of sliding and lifting bodies as a double play is turned—the ball traveling to second base and then relayed to first. It is beautiful—it is art–the movement of the players and the transition of the ball in a seamless conveyance of continual motion.

The elegance of baseball-esque geometry is best appreciated with a runner on first base as a ball is hit deep to the right fielder. The ball is hit on a line as the right fielder scampers to track it down. The fielder gathers the ball and comes up throwing as the runner sprints around second base, leaning to his left as he turns the arc toward third. You can see the curved route of the runner rounding second in a race with the ball hurtling on its descending trajectory toward third base. Both ball and base runner simultaneously arrive, lines intersecting in one moment.

7. Always be alert. Baseball can seem like such a peaceful and languid game. The action seems to move so slowly. But, with the swing of the bat, things can change in a moment. And as you sit in the stands—behind first or third base—always be alert and attend to the game. Go ahead and visit with your friends, but never turn your head away from the field or ignore the pitched or batted ball. At times, life can be peaceful and pastoral, but change often comes suddenly.

8. Just try to hit the ball hard. You can only do what you are able to do—but do it! Focus on what you can control. Don’t try to be the hero. Wait for your pitch, be patient, swing at strikes, and make solid contact. Just try to hit the ball hard, and over time, good things will happen. Put the ball solidly into play and make the defense do something. Don’t try to hit for the fence. Instead, be in control of your swing, hit the ball hard, and the big hits will come on their own.

9. Take direction and throw to the glove. Be trustworthy and look out for someone else. Be willing to follow another person’s lead. A successful pitcher must trust and have confidence in his catcher. The catcher flashes the sign to his pitcher, the pitcher eventually and subtly nods his head in agreement, and he throws. The catcher needs to be a mindful shepherd. Guiding his pitcher to throw the right pitch, to the right batter, in the right situation. In turn, the pitcher needs to listen to the thoughts of the catcher and trust him. When on the mound– -the wise pitcher dialogs with the person he trusts so he can focus on one thing—pitching.

10. Most of the time, the signs from the 3rd base coach don’t mean a thing—they’re just distractions. The batter steps out of the batter’s box and glances over his left shoulder as he watches an older man, standing in foul territory near third base, as he wipes his hands on his jersey, taps a finger to his cap, rubs the back of his neck, and then claps his hands three times. In life there are many decoys—there are communications and messages that actually say nothing at all. If you watch the third base coach very carefully, you’ll discern that most of his gestures and movements don’t mean a thing. Most of his movements are theatrical distractions meant only to confuse others—to deceive and distract. So, don’t be distracted, but be watchful, and know what you’re looking for. Look for the indicator, get the sign, receive the message, and then do the right thing.

11. Ballpark food is a nice treat—but it’s a rip-off. Treat yourself every so often. When it is time to celebrate, celebrate with gusto. But, don’t volunteer to get ripped off. I attend many baseball games in San Francisco, but I don’t purchase ballpark food or beverages. I’d rather plan ahead and enjoy good food at a fair price. Rather than having a ballpark hot dog and an overpriced beverage, I prefer to walk to Chinatown and enjoy a bowl of wonton soup and a plate of chow mien. I’d rather walk to the Ferry Building and enjoy a cup of coffee and a baguette of real sour french bread. I’d rather find a sandwich shop and bring the sandwich with me into the ballpark. Ballpark food is not bad, but other food is better. Make your choices wisely.

12. If you’re going to a baseball game—why not make a day of it—celebrate—arrive early and leave late. Make the most of the moment. Going to a baseball game is an event. Don’t be hurried into it. Arrive early and take in the neighborhood. Immerse yourself in the pre-game buzz and excitement. Take in batting practice as you watch players stretch, run on the outfield grass, and shag fly balls. Stand up, put your hand over your heart, and even sing the national anthem. When the game has ended don’t leave early, don’t cheat yourself. Drink it all in. Enjoy the very last drop. And don’t fight the exit lines. Linger in your seat, take in the view, enjoy the quiet and calm following the game. Your car (and the rest of life) will wait for you. There is a season for everything. This is a moment to savor and not rush.

13. Bring your camera and make a memory. Some of my warmest memories from childhood and as a father have been built in ballparks. Memories of exciting plays, memories of standing and cheering, memories of baseball characters who I’ve shared with those I love. And whenever I go to a baseball game, I bring a camera because I want to remember those sweet, shared moments.

14. Bring your glove to the game—good things can happen. Having your glove on your hand keeps you engaged. If you are going to live, if you are going to show up, be fully engaged. If you’re going to a baseball game, bring your glove. Will a batted ball come your way? Probably not. But just having the glove on your hand keeps your mind and heart in the game. So—if you are going to show up at the ballpark of life, bring your glove. Be fully engaged and be ready. Be prepared for a surprise—a ball may just come your way.

15. Bring someone you love to share the game and the moment. Don’t live life alone. And don’t go to a baseball game alone. Baseball players and baseball fans survive and thrive in community. The game only counts if you share it with someone. So buy an extra ticket and bring someone to the game.

16. Baseball and its season (much like life and love) can break your heart. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the Spring when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the Summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rain comes, it stops and leaves you to face the Fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, and when you need it most, it stops.” B. Giamatti.

17. Overcoming fear. “A man on a hill prepares to throw a rock at a man slightly below him, not far away, who holds a club. First, fear must be overcome; no one finally knows where the pitched ball, or hit ball, will go. Most of the time control, agility, planning avert brutality and force sport. Occasionally, suddenly, usually unaccountably, the primitive act of throwing or striking results in terrible injury. The fear is never absent, the fear that randomness will take over. If hitting a major league fastball is the most difficult act in organized sport, the difficulty derives in part from the need to overcome fear in a split second.” B. Giamatti

18. Playing catch—the rhythm, reciprocity, and being together—sharing. “Can there be a more peaceful, cooperative, and reciprocal activity than playing catch? In the backyard, at the park, or at the beach. Tossing a baseball. Not too fast and not too slow. Throw the ball just like the other person likes. There might be conversation as you throw the ball—there may be a peaceful silence. The ball whirs through the air and the glove closes on each toss. There is no time limit, keeping score. There is no winner or loser. You are doing this

separately and together. Together you are playing catch with life. But, playing catch can be complicated. A game of catch is a complicated communication. The father has the stronger arms, the surer hands. The child has the enthusiasm, a passionate hope that his ball playing will improve, and something immediate to find out. The first time a baseball bounces against your shin or pops out of your glove into your cheekbone, you learn the presiding reality of the sport. The ball is hard. After that, you make a decision. Is the pain the ball inflicts worth the pleasure of playing the game? Pain and pleasure, the stuff of love and life, runs strong in baseball.” Roger Kahn

19. It’s just a game and a story—but it’s much more than a story. Baseball is a game of history. On a macro-scale its history includes labor strife, geographical change, population migration, and racial integration. But, baseball is also a story of individuals and teams. Amazing stories of struggle, triumph, overcoming adversity, and not finishing well. Stories of Lou Gehrig (“You’ve been reading about the bad break I got. Yet, today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth”), the 1919 Chicago White (Black) Sox scandal (“Joe—say it ain’t so”), Bill Buckner (1986 World Series and the grounder through his legs), Jim Abbott (the one-handed pitcher), and Branch Rickey (the general manager who broke the color barrier and introduced Jackie Robinson to the major leagues). Our lives make sense as stories. And our lives are a part of much bigger stories. We all need to know our stories. We need to understand how we are built from the stories that have come before us and how they nurture and propel the stories that follow. As Grantland Rice wrote, “For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.”