Anger and Related Emotions

October 2, 1996

Current interest and concern about anger, and its behavioral sequelae, seems to be at an all-time high. Through the media we are regularly updated about the problems of anger and violence in our neighborhoods, homes, and workplaces. In contrast, while in training, I was instructed that the most common treatment problems in mental health clinics concerned depression and anxiety. Although this may have been true some years ago, I would argue that anger, and its related emotional entourage, is a more common presenting problem today.

TROUBLING TRENDS

The problem of anger points to a number of troubling trends in modern American society. First, we have become a people who are fully committed to ourselves and “what is best for me.” We are encouraged to “get what is ours” and to assert our rights. We tend to see the world, not from the perspective of community (family, work group, neighborhood), but from the perspective of Self. From this individualized and self-centered viewpoint anger and bitterness are fostered. Secondly, we have come to overvalue direct self-expression. We are encouraged to say how we feel and not hold back. We assume that the expression of all emotions, including anger and rage, are cathartic and restorative. Rather than reflecting upon our thoughts and emotions we are encouraged to “get it out,” even when the process of getting it out is often damaging and harmful. Lastly, we have become a culture of blamers. We externalize responsibility for many of the negative events in our lives. Common objects of blame include the government, the school system, the economy, employers, a spouse, parents, in-laws, and the media. Accusations are delivered in such a manner as to suggest that we are not personally accountable for our own lives. Such abandonment of personal responsibility and blame-shifting are used to give license to bitterness, resentment, and anger.

ANGER IN REAL LIFE

During the past year I’ve seen a number of clients who have struggled with anger. Surprisingly, they did not see themselves as having an anger problem, rather they saw their anger as merely a response to an unfair and uncaring world.

Joe (a pseudonym) was referred by his insurance company for outpatient psychotherapy. He had a long history of angry outbursts and had recently physically threatened a family member. Joe was chronically angry. He was mad at everything from people to machinery. Joe was continually discontent, on edge, and ready to respond to the slightest provocation.

They shared the belief that they had been mistreated, that their situations were handled unfairly, and that they were not primarily responsible for their station in life.

In contrast, Susan (a pseudonym) presented as an energetic and verbally articulate young woman. She was referred by her pastor who was concerned over her recent episode of depression. Susan explained that her husband had recently left her and moved out of the state. Although Susan appeared to be depressed, underneath this display of vulnerability, was a fount of rage and anger.

Lastly, Sam (a pseudonym) was referred by his employer. Sam worked as a supervisor in a retail store and had recently struck an employee during a verbal altercation at work. Sam was removed from his position and placed on mandatory leave. He was convinced that he had been so provoked by the employee that he was “forced to hit him.”

The themes connecting these three people include their shared belief that they had been mistreated, that their situations were handled unfairly, and that they were not primarily responsible for their station in life. They had externalized responsibility for their behavior. They were convinced that their pain and misfortune were not the result of their own actions. Consequently, they fostered a deep sense of resentment and anger toward those whom they believe had caused their pain.

ANGER AS A SECONDARY EMOTION

Anger is a by-product of other emotional states. Anger does not generate or sustain itself. It is ignited and fueled by more vulnerable feelings such as disappointment, hurt, and betrayal. But we tend to move away from these vulnerable emotions because they feel risky. “If I let him know how much he hurt me I might get hurt again.” In an effort to protect and defend ourselves we often respond to these painful emotions via anger.

For many, this angry reaction is nearly automatic and reflexive. They have overlearned and practiced the reaction of anger and seemingly respond to all provocation and perceived threat or hurt with some type of angry response.

A number of clients have found the diagram below to helpful in understanding the relationship between events, thoughts, and feelings. This understanding is essential in order to expose the source of anger (i.e., a critical thought) and realize how thoughts produce angry feelings and/or actions.

EVENT

FEELINGS                THOUGHTS

Events: Anger is always activated by a triggering event (an action taken by someone, a memory, a frustrating situation). Something happens to initiate the response of anger.

Thoughts: The event is then interpreted in an effort to make sense of what has happened. Based upon our beliefs about the world and our assumptions about life we determine the meaning of the triggering event. Angry reactions are built upon the belief that we have been deliberately mistreated and that we have a justified right to restitution.

Feelings: Our emotional reaction is mediated by how we’ve made sense out of the triggering event. How we think about the events in our lives essentially determines how we will feel about these events.

THE RESULTS OF ANGER

Anger can cause problems in a number of ways. I’d like to focus on three domains in which unrestrained and unproductive anger are particularly damaging.

Interpersonal Problems: The damaging effects of poorly handled anger are most prominently seen in the context of troubled relationships. Outside of a relational setting it is nearly impossible to become angry. At the core of anger we inevitably find conflict between people. With this relational component in mind, it is critical that we recognize that the emotion of anger is fueled by the notion that we have been intentionally violated. We come to believe that others (people, institutions, even God Himself) are actually causing our anger—that they are making us mad.

The damaging effects of poorly handled anger are most prominently seen in the context of troubled relationships. Outside of a relational setting it is nearly impossible to become angry.

Intrapersonal Problems: Although anger can damage relationships, it can also destroy its host. In many ways anger is like a form of cancer. Cancer often begins in the body as a rather unnoticeable, but mutant, cell. The cell makes its home in the host tissue and begins to expand and grow. It is not until the cancerous cells have begun to change and compromise the host that the disease becomes readily identifiable. In a similar way, anger finds its genesis in thoughts of irritation and frustration, and notions of unfair treatment and disrespect. Over time, as these thoughts find a host in the heart and mind, the acidic emotions of resentment and bitterness emerge. Just as cancer is a progressive and insidious disease—so anger is the cancer of psychological health.

Physiological Problems: There is an impressive library of literature which has convincingly concluded that unproductive and unrestrained anger is a significant contributor to a number of medical maladies including cardiovascular compromise, hypertension, and gastrointestinal complications. There is an undeniable union between our bodies and souls. Anger is not only a psychological cancer, but has physiological consequences as well.

THE SOURCES OF UNPRODUCTIVE ANGER

Working with clients, consulting with other mental health professionals, and observing my own life, I have become convinced that anger is only a problem when our thoughts and beliefs about life become skewed or distorted. In its most simplified state, anger is essentially a problem of misunderstanding life and responding with our own limited understanding (Prov. 3:5).

Transgressions: The emotion of anger assumes the notion of fairness and equality. A transaction can only be unfair or grievous if there is an assumption of what is fair and equitable. One can only experience the emotion of anger if one also believes that one has been treated unfairly. Our thinking becomes unclear and distorted because our determination of what is fair is biased and self-serving.

Expectations: We come to all situations with expectations. All of our behavior is predicated upon

an intended, or expected, outcome. For example, we go to work with the expectation that we will be paid. We plant a garden expecting it to produce vegetables and flowers. If we engage in a behavior with an eye toward a particular outcome and our expectations are not met, and if these expectations were important to us, we will feel disappointed and possibly hurt. If we then personalize that hurt, anger will likely follow.

Errors in Thinking: Hurt and anger restrict our ability to think clearly. Feelings tend to take

over our minds. In these situations we focus on bits of information, not looking at the whole picture. And with these selective observations and bits of data we catastrophize and overgeneralize our interpretations of the events around us. Our thoughts become categorical (either/or) and inflammatory.

Modeling: How we handle hurt and conflict is heavily influenced by our familial and relational

history. Think of how conflict was handled in your home. What it discussed publicly or privately? Who was the powerful person when conflict arose—one who spoke loudly and with sharp comments or one who was withholding and angrily silent. It is very likely that your approach to conflict has been influenced by the conflict resolution style you observed at home or in significant relationships.

Quick to Respond: James 1:19-20 admonishes us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” He is encouraging us to slow down and pay close attention to what is happening around us and in us. By implication, James is asking us to think through our reactions and consider alternatives other than responding in anger. For many, the emotion of anger is so practiced and habitual that it becomes an automatic response. It is as if anger becomes a reflexive emotional reaction to any precipitant that seems potentially threatening or provocative.

In most circumstances, rather than serving as a solution, anger often becomes a problem of its own.

Anger as a Way to Solve Problems: Finally, anger is usually expressed because it is seen as a solution. People become angry and express their anger in order to change a person or situation. Herein lies much of the problem. In most circumstances, rather than serving as a solution, anger often becomes a problem of its own. When we respond before thinking through our actions we are at risk of having our response only worsen the original problem. It seems that human anger rarely solves the problem (James 1:20).

THE PROBLEM OF UNCHECKED ANGER

Anger has many faces. We are most familiar with the profile of anger that features harsh words, physical destruction, and rageful outbursts. But unchecked anger can also hide beneath the veil of resentment and bitterness.

When anger, which is actually unresolved hurt and disappointment, is allowed to fester it breeds a variety of negative thoughts and behaviors. Bitterness is probably the most common by-product of unresolved anger. Bitterness often leads to a sour outlook on life and a perspective that is cynical and distant. The bitter person holds the unspoken assumption that , “I’ve been hurt in the past and I won’t be hurt like that again. So to stay safe I won’t be involved, I won’t try, I won’t care, and I won’t love. My highest priority is to not get hurt again.”

Ironically, this commitment to perceived safety exacts a high price. To avoid future hurt the chronically angry person avoids opportunities for close relationships and meaningful interaction with life. Such a person becomes cut-off and increasingly discontent and lonely. With “safety” and isolation, they have purchased the poison of bitterness.

RECOGNIZING, MONITORING, AND HANDLING ANGER

Recognizing Anger

As stated previously, anger is a secondary emotion—-secondary to hurt, pain, and disappointment. Anger cannot stand on its own but it must be propped-up by more vulnerable feelings. When we respond to situations with anger we need to take a closer look. As David Seamands writes, “Whenever you experience a response on your part that is way out of proportion to the stimulus, then look out. You have probably tapped into some deeply hidden emotional hurt.”

The challenge for the “quick responder” is to slow down the process of their interpretation of events and to think before taking action. This is a difficult assignment once habits have been formed. Historically, he may have handled hurt and disappointment by attacking or confronting what or whom he perceived as the originator of his pain. He believes that someone else has made him angry.

In contrast, the challenge is quite different for one who denies or hides from feelings of anger. For this person, a key task is to acknowledge and address the source(s) of anger before the results of the feelings surface in indirect and destructive ways.

The first step in addressing the problem of anger is to recognize that you have been hurt and that you have allowed that hurt to develop into anger. These are some common cues that signal the presence of hurt and anger:

Somatic/physical cues: tight jaw, tense muscles, tight-chested, feeling hot or sweaty, uneasiness or churning in stomach.

Thoughts: critical and belittling thoughts, wishing ill on others, blaming others,

believing that others are the primary cause of difficulty in your life.

Words: statements that are caustic, attacking, critical.

Behavior: physical aggression, covert hostility, withholding affection or resources, passive-aggressive actions.

Monitoring Anger

As you come to the realization that hurt and anger have been a problem in your life, the next step is to observe yourself and your reactions to determine how, when, and where anger is most prominent in your life. A key component of this process is to begin an anger log. Each time you become aware of angry feelings, or related emotions (hurt, disappointment, feeling disrespected) make an entry. This will prompt you to consider the common themes and patterns which lead you to become angry. It may also be helpful to monitor other factors that exacerbate your tendency to become angry such as fatigue, pride issues, hormonal swings, and physical pain. Many clients also find it helpful to keep track of their “self-statements” or internal dialogue. What we say to ourselves often accelerates and intensifies feelings. An examination of these self-statements also provides us a window into how we interpret the events in our lives.
Sample Anger Log

Date/Time: 8/15/96 9:00 pm
Situation: Discussing in-laws with Joe
Thoughts: he cares more for them than he does for me
Feelings: resentful, jealous
Behaviors: took a walk by myself, tearful
Primary Emotions: insecurity, hurt

Handling Anger

As you come to recognize the role of anger in your life and move to monitor and study its consequences, you’re now in a position to engage in new behaviors to handle the pain, hurt, and anger in a different way. Here are some suggestions for effectively dealing with hurt and anger:

• Prepare for and anticipate situations that might lead to hurt and anger.
• Determine to see the situation as a problem to collaboratively solve rather than as a situation to be attacked. Reframe the situation as a problem to resolve rather than a fight to win.
• Remind yourself that you have many options, other than becoming angry, to handle the situation (pray, think, calm yourself down before taking action).
• Decide that purely venting your anger is not a wise or productive choice.
• Leave the situation if your emotional control become tenuous.
• Don’t nurse your anger, don’t let it fester, don’t brood over it.
• Forgive others and pray for them.
• Confide in others who can help you or hold you accountable in situations where you may lose control.

CAN ANGER BE PRODUCTIVE?

When we are angry we usually believe that we have a right to be angry. Our anger is usually predicated upon self-interest and a subjective evaluation of what is just. Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, exhorts his readers to “be angry, and yet do not sin.” To be truly angry and yet not be angry from a selfish position is very difficult. From a Christian perspective, there appear to be few examples of anger that is free of self-interest. Church history is filled with accounts of anger that is sinful. In my review and reflections I could only identify one person who, when he became angry, was not driven by self-interest. And although he knew the emotion of anger he did not sin in his anger. This man is Jesus. In contrast, if we are honest with ourselves we will conclude that our anger is usually fueled by self-centered motives. This is because our anger usually finds its origin in our personal hurt and pain.

With these thoughts in mind, it seems that anger can only be productive within three domains:

1. When it prompts us to deal with our own hurt and pain.
2. When it prompts us to deal with the hurt and pain we have caused others.
3. When we are angry not because we have been aggrieved, but because we are concerned over a wrong being committed against someone else.

IN CLOSING

Anger has garnered more attention than it merits, and anger is not a potent as we have been led to believe. Anger’s power is derived from the emotions that fuel it. Consequently, we must deal with our anger and rage by dealing with its source—our own pain and the pain we have caused others. This calls for humble self-examination, counting others as more important that ourselves, slowing down our speaking and reacting, listen more closely and intently, and responding in a way that seeks to resolve rather than win conflict.