Conflict In Marriage

April 15, 1998

Many people pursue relationships and enter into marriages in order to have someone with whom they can share their life and dreams. Sadly, marriages that begin with the highest hopes can stagnate and even deteriorate. In my practice, approximately fifty-percent of the clients I see are attempting to work through matters of marital conflict. These clients invariably report conflict that is chronic, unproductive, and unresolved. For many couples the conflict causes deep resentment, marked misunderstanding, and lonely isolation. Research has conclusively shown that marital distress has profound effects on the physical and emotional well-being of spouses and their children, and is the most common reason why people seek psychological help in the United States. Relational conflict is the common cold of most marriages.

Lasting marriages result from a couple’s ability to resolve conflict.

Sadly, the symptoms of this ailment often develop into a potent and malevolent virus that can threaten even the healthiest marriage. In this edition of the Counseling Newsletter the focus will be on the problems and potential benefits of martial conflict. I will explore how spouses selectively approach and avoid conflict, and how conflict affects our patterns of thought and communication. In closing I will emphasize how couples might engage in conflict that is potentially beneficial to the relationship.

The Value and Role of Conflict in Marriage

It is generally true that the more closely connected the parties in a relationship (living space, financial matters) the greater the probability for potential conflict. With this principle in mind, it is not surprising that relational conflict is common to all marriages. Even so, how couples fight or attempt to resolve conflict is one of the most telling ways to diagnose the health of a marriage. Lasting marriages result from a couple’s ability to resolve conflict.

Many people might ask, “Wouldn’t marriages work better if there were no disagreements?” Interestingly, empirical and replicated research suggests that in the short run this may be true. But, for a marriage to have real staying power, couples need to air their differences and resolve them in a clear and affirming way. You may not able to erase all conflict from your marriage, but you can manage the conflict, learn from it, and grow through it. Some basic facts about conflict in marriage:

1. Conflict is a natural phenomenon. If two people live together they will experience conflict.

Spouses should be allowed to disagree.

2. Sincere and genuine conflict can promote clarification, respect, and increased understanding.

With this in mind, if I have a genuine issue of conflict with my spouse and we can work it out—

I come away with a much clearer understanding of their position/concern.

3. When conflict is resolved in a healthy, honest, and respectful manner the result can strengthen and solidify the relationship.

The conflict resolution process can help couples correct misconceptions, clarify assumptions, explain motives, and air differences of opinion. Much more important than having compatible views is how couples work out their differences. Marital conflict causes us to face ourselves and acknowledge feedback/comments that we might otherwise dismiss or discount. As Solomon writes in the book of Proverbs, “You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.” Marriage and its associated conflict is a tool often used by God to mature us and draw us to Himself.

What Generates Conflict in Marriage

Much of the conflict in marriage derives from differing expectations about roles and responsibilities. Domains that predictably generate conflict include discrepant expectations concerning the role of husband/wife, parenting responsibilities, financial matters, and sexuality.

Other factors that generate conflict in marriage:

• Feeling disrespected, devalued or dishonored.
• Feeling unloved or uncared for.
• Differing loyalties toward family or friends.
• Feeling misunderstood.

These differing expectations are catalysts for conflict. Said another way, at the root I find that couples in conflict do not agree upon the basic priorities and guiding values that shape their expectations.

Steven Covey, in his widely read book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, uses the analogy of a jar filled with rocks and gravel of differing sizes. Covey develops a parallel between the “big rocks” and priorities. He exhorts us to fill our lives with the big rocks (highest priorities) first and then the smaller rocks and gravel (lesser priorities) fill the remaining space. In a similar way, conflict will regularly escalate for couples that do not share strong convictions concerning the “big rocks” (priorities) in life. If couples have a common and shared framework for deciding what is most important then disruptive and destructive conflict is much less likely.

A close friend, Pastor Rick Reed, has often said that, “What counts the most lasts the longest, and, what lasts the longest must come first.” With this truth in mind, couples would do well to corporately decide upon what counts most in their lives. And what counts the most needs to come first. Without such agreement conflict will be continually present in the relationship.

Responses to Conflict: Approach and Avoidance

Psychologist John Gottman writes, “The most important advice I can give to people who want their marriages to work is to try to not avoid conflict. Sidestepping a problem won’t make it go away—on the contrary, leaving the conflict unresolved will upset your spouse more.” A successful marriage is not measured by the absence of conflict, but by the presence of conflict resolution. Yet, many find it difficult to resist the impulse to “duck away” from conflict.

In most marriages spouses tend to take on the role of pursuer or retreater. The pursuer is quick to identify moments of relational conflict. They sense that there may be trouble in the marriage and they pursue their mate in an effort of identify the source of the conflict and resolve the matter. Pursuers may take the initiative because they are bold and courageous, but it is also possible that they have a strong need to immediately resolve the conflict because they do not have the strength or confidence to tolerate momentary tension.

In most marriages spouses tend to take on the role of pursuer or retreater.

In contrast, the retreater tends to avoid and ignore periods of marital tension. Even when it is painfully obvious that the relationship is not going well (awkward silence, distant interaction, hostile and curt verbal exchanges) the retreater remains quiet and inaccessible. Often they retreat because of genuine confusion over the conflict and how to resolve it. Yet, it is possible that their retreat is a tactical move to exert pressure and control over their pursuing spouse.

Although there is no definitive clinical research concerning husbands and wives and their propensity toward the role of retreater or pursuer, my clinical experience suggests that many men have a tendency to avoid conflict with their wives. (If this assignment of role does not readily fit you and your spouse read through the following examples anyway and apply the principles to your unique marital relationship.) It seems that men avoid matters of conflict not only out of fear, but also due to confusion and uncertainty. Most men do not understand the factors that fuel marital conflict and they do not know how to effectively interact with their wife’s emotional intensity. Because they are in unfamiliar territory and are somewhat confused, men tend to avoid conflict and retreat.

In contrast, through observation and direct experience, it seems that many women do not tolerate relational conflict well. They tend to actively approach conflict with a desire to identify and resolve the issue. This desire for resolution of the conflict sometimes surfaces as persistent and dominant pursuit.

To the degree that this “approach and avoidance” pattern exists it is often played out in the following manner. The husband may find himself confused about what he is thinking and feeling in relation to the conflict. He is upset and bothered, maybe even angry, but he does not know why. He is not able to articulate his thoughts and feelings. In an effort to hide his confusion he backs away and attempts to deal with the conflict by avoiding it. Prompted, in part, by her husband’s withdrawal the wife becomes increasingly distressed over the state of their relationship. In response, she approaches her husband wanting to discuss the problem. Sadly, her desire to deal with the conflict may prompt her husband to retreat. As you can see, their behavior (approach, avoidance) provokes the opposite response in one another.

One solution to deal with such a pattern is to address the conflict in a respectful, loving, and productive manner. Each spouse will need to learn to tolerate the process of conflict resolution without taking it too seriously or personally. They will also need to learn to communicate their thoughts and feelings without loading their message with undue emotionality. A time of prayer and a humble, patient attitude can provide a context to address and resolve these problematic interpersonal patterns.

Conflict And Our Private Thoughts

During the mid-1980’s I watched a foreign film, Das Boot (The Boat). The dialogue was spoken entirely spoken in German and subtitles were flashed on the screen. I found that midway through the film I no longer even noticed the subtitles. I had acclimated to watching the action and reading the text as well. The subtitles allowed me to know what the actors were saying to themselves and to one another.

In a similar manner, we use subtitles as well, but they are written on our minds. These thoughts, or subtitles, determine how we interpret and make sense of what occurs in us and around us and how we react and feel about those matters. For example, people in distressed marriages tend to discount the meaning of positive events and they accentuate the meaning of negative events. A wife might think to herself, “He only bought me flowers because all his friends were buying gifts for their wives.” Her husband may think, “She wouldn’t have sex with me because she is trying to get back at me for what I did at the party.” In both cases, it is the private thoughts (subtitles) that we assign to events that determine how we react.

Respected researcher, John Gottman, Ph.D., writes concerning private thoughts and assumptions, “It’s hardly surprising that what you think of someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health.” Marital problems arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted—if your subtitles reinforce a negative view of your partner and your marriage. Ask yourself, are my thoughts about my spouse charitable, forgiving, tentative and flexible? (see Phillipians 4:8). Since people usually end up acting in accordance with what they are thinking and feeling it is worth the effort to honestly ask yourself, “Do my thoughts soothe or agitate me regarding my spouse?”

There is a close relationship between events, thoughts and feelings. How we interpret and make sense of the events in our lives determines our emotional reaction. Our values, convictions and beliefs propel our thoughts about events and situations. The diagram below aptly depicts the inter-relationship among events, thoughts and feelings. During times of conflict each person must sort out these three variables and consider their impact upon his or her behavior and attitude toward their spouse.

EVENTS

FEELINGS THOUGHTS

Common Communication Pitfalls in Marriage

Much of marital conflict derives from poor communication—ineffective and insincere listening and speaking. Below are some guiding principles that can aid in improving communication with your spouse.

• Don’t criticize or analyze your partner’s personality.
• Don’t insult, mock, or use sarcasm. Sarcasm is veiled anger and disrespect.
• Don’t mind-read.
• Don’t engage in name calling—this shuts down communication. Name calling is an attack that only

provokes a defensive response.

• Don’t bring past hurts into the present argument.

Although all marital relationships are unique, most share common communication patterns that are dysfunctional and ineffective. Below are examples of the more problematic communication patterns experienced by couples in conflict.

• The Summarizing Self.

Husband: Blah Blah.

Wife: Yak Yak.

Husband: What I said was “Blah Blah.”

Wife: What I said was “Yak Yak.”

Husband: But can’t you understand that what I am I saying is “Blah Blah.”

Wife: Won’t you even recognize that I have already said “Yak Yak.”

Each person continues to restate his or her own position. It’s as if they each think, “If she (he) would see how logical my point is and how much sense it makes to see things the way I see them, we wouldn’t have any problems.” Neither person really listens. They each restate again and again. They both feel put down, frustrated, not heard, and lonely.

• Off the Beam: The couple keeps drifting into other problem areas. They do not share a common commitment and strategy for working through the problem at hand. Instead of resolving any one of the problems, they just get more tired and frustrated as they jump from conflict to conflict.

• Mind Reading: We often act as if we can “read” another person’s mind. We assume we know what they are meaning to communicate without listening sincerely and attentively. Inevitably this leads to misunderstanding and feeling disrespected (not heard).
• Cross-Complaining: This occurs when each spouse states a complaint or concern in response to a concern or complaint voiced by the other. Husband and wife do not respond to each other—but to each other’s complaints.

Distressed and Non-Distressed Couples

Many of the couples that come to my office are in great distress. By this I mean that they are engaged in a relationship filled with chronic and unproductive conflict. They don’t trust each other, they are skeptical of one another’s intentions, and they are generally fatigued by the relationship.

Much of the research on marital conflict has compared distressed and non-distressed couples. The goal of this research has been to identify factors that accurately distinguish these two groups. It is interesting to note that distressed and non-distressed couples do not differ with respect to the intention of their communication. However, distressed spouses do perceive their partners’ remarks as significantly less positive than non-distressed spouses do.

During periods of conflict, distressed couples engage in significantly more negative behaviors than non-distressed couples. With non-distressed couples, positive behaviors, even during periods of conflict, are more common. In a similar manner, distressed couples engage in more “self summarizing” and “cross complaining” that non-distressed couples. Distressed couples evidence poorer listening skills and they make little attempt to validate their partners’ position. It is not surprising that uncensored communication (blurting out raw emotion) is more common in distressed couples.

Surprisingly, it was found that there were no differences between distressed and non-distressed couple when they were observed interacting with strangers. Rather, their problematic styles of communicating and interacting occurred most predominately when interacting with their spouse. The implication of this finding is that most spouses in distressed marriages do not have skill deficits in the areas of effective communication and problem-solving—but that their ability and willingness to use these skills in their marriage was the primary variable.

General Suggestions for Productive Conflict Resolution

• Remove the blame from your comments.
• Say how you feel.
• Be direct.
• Make your discussions win-win.
• Find a way to de-escalate the conflict.
• Accentuate the positive.
• Speak the truth in love.
• Learn about your spouse’s perspective during periods of non-conflict.
• Keep short accounts of grievances.
• Decide on a plan of action.
• Make reasonable short range commitments and
• Say things for the good of the relationship follow-up—not for personal benefit or primarily to get something “off your chest.”

Specific Suggestions for Productive Conflict Resolution

• Pick a specific time and place to discuss the problem—a time that works well for both of you.
• Remind yourself and each other that the goal of working through the conflict is not to win or to beproven right, but to find a solution.
• Conflict often escalates when couples don’t stay focused on one topic but get into skirmishes over tangential issues. Stick to one topic or one situation at a time.