Thoughts on Forgiveness

September 12, 1993

And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

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Why a Counseling Newsletter on the Topic of Forgiveness?

In my counseling practice I hear the sad stories of clients who have been deeply hurt and damaged by both people and circumstances. Some of these clients have been hurt by others in a purposeful and deliberate manner, while others were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Their stories include a litany of pain: abandonment by a spouse, child abuse, unfair treatment by family members, and physical harm. A common theme that connects these different clients and their varied sources of pain is their need to address the issue of forgiveness. A vital component of their healing process will require them to forgive the one responsible for their pain.

As a psychologist I often ask myself, “How can a person ever be expected to forgive the one who has so deeply wounded him/her?” Many of these cases cause me to reflect on my own life. How do I deal with those whom I need to forgive? Although this Newsletter is written to those who are involved in the work of helping others, I encourage you to read slowly and consider how these thoughts on forgiveness might be relevant to your own station in life.

The Relationship Between a Lack of Forgiveness and Psychological Problems

It is clear that there is a personal cost associated with not forgiving others. For instance, there is evidence to suggest that those who do not forgive, and instead harbor resentment and bitterness, are much more likely to suffer from a variety psychological problems. For example, problems with anger (verbal and physical) might be causally related to a lack of forgiveness. Broken relationships between spouses, parents and children, and even relationships long since past are often caused by hurt feelings which find their source in a lack of forgiveness. Further, there is a relationship between a lack of forgiveness and these other psychological problems: substance abuse, paranoia and fear, and depression. There is a high cost to be paid, in a psychological and spiritual sense, by those who are unwilling, unable, or unaware of the need to forgive.

Let me illustrate the relationship between forgiveness and psychological health through a brief clinical vignette. Bob (a pseudonym intended to protect his identity) was dealing with a number of problems including a strong attraction to pornography and sexual fantasy. As we explored his first exposure (age 10) to pornography he described the magazines his father hid in the garage. From this early encounter with pornographic magazines he developed a enmeshed web of fantasy and sexual preoccupation. Bob usually spoke of his father in a disparaging and negative manner describing him as harsh, self-centered, and insensitive to his needs as a growing boy.

As we continued to meet it became clear that Bob’s struggles with pornography and unhealthy relationships with women were rooted in his early childhood experiences of paging through his father’s magazines. As Bob discovered that many of his current problems found their origin in his paternal relationship, it was all too easy to begin blaming his father. A key therapeutic task was to slowly and gently approach this notion of blame and to actively address the principle of forgiveness. I challenged Bob with the assertion that his tendency to blame his father was preventing him from addressing the real problem of his own behavior. I also challenged him to consider how he had added his own fuel to the fire by dwelling on these fantasies as he frequented adult bookstores and viewed sexualized television programs.

A pivotal moment for Bob occurred when he became willing to forgive his dad for not being the kind of father he had needed. Bob forgave his father even though he knew that his father experienced no subjective need to be forgiven. As Bob chose to actively move from blaming his father and holding him responsible for his situation in life, he became free to honestly address his own areas of failing and sin, while also opening the opportunity to truly care for his lost and confused father.

Forgiveness: Barriers and Obstacles

As I mentioned before, the process and act of forgiveness is both costly and sacrificial. It is particularly difficult to forgive if the offender does not ask for forgiveness. There is a strong desire within us to know that the offending party is repentant and feels badly about what they have done. Yet, repentance is often lacking in the offending party. And, whenever we begin to ask ourselves the question, “Does he/she feel guilty and repentant over what they have done to me?,” we have already missed the point. From God’s perspective it does not matter whether the person who has offended me has paid a price. The point is that I am to forgive as God forgave me. Initially forgiveness is always a choice based upon God’s gracious decision to forgive.

Admittedly, it is difficult to absolve others of blame. But there is a paradoxical gain that comes when we stop trying to make others pay for their sins against us. The paradox is that the more we attempt to make others pay for their painful acts against us, the more we pay in continued pain or anger by ruminating over our loss and reliving the offense. The more we seek revenge or justice the greater the price we pay for our decision to not forgive.

The obstacles which make it hard to forgive are three-fold: volitional, emotional, and behavioral. Although true forgiveness requires a change of heart and behavior, the process of forgiveness usually begins with the decision to release our hurt and feelings of blame. This brings to mind a story told of Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross. One time a friend of Clara’s reminded her of a cruel thing that had been done to her many years past. When reminded of this event Clara did not seem to remember. Her friend said again, “Don’t you remember the wrong that was done to you?” “No”, Clara quietly replied. “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” Now, forgiveness involves much more than simply choosing not to remember wrongs done against us, but it does involve a choice to not continually remind ourselves of and ruminate upon those painful memories. Forgiving someone does not mean that all consequences of the wrong-doing will be canceled, but forgiveness does require that we choose to deal with those consequences in a new and different way.

At this juncture, it is important to point out that forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. Although we may forgive, it is possible that the one forgiven will not reciprocate with a desire to reconcile the relationship. Nonetheless, our primary responsibility is to forgive and wait upon God for His timing for the reconciliation process.

Forgiveness requires both a decision of the will (volition) and a choice of the heart (emotion). From an emotional perspective it is important to note that our need to forgive is often obscured by feelings of anger and resentment. If we move through these angry feelings, we come to see that anger is powered by “softer” and more vulnerable feelings such as disappointment, hurt, and personal loss. If we are honest with ourselves about the need to forgive, we must acknowledge our feelings of anger and work with that emotion to lead us to core emotions. The path to forgiveness often begins with the emotion of anger, but the path does not end there.

Yet the most common barrier to genuine forgiveness is the need for action and follow through. It may be easy to forgive someone silently as we think and feel within ourselves, but it is quite another thing to forgive in a complete and whole manner which allows us to work and play beside that person in a sincere and genuine way. Forgiveness is never completely resident until it bears fruit through sincere behavior and action. In some cases, such as rape or other serious offenses, it may never be wise for victims and offenders to associate. But, whenever possible, reconciliation translates into behavior.

Forgiveness is Costly

Forgiveness is a matter of settling accounts with those who have harmed us. The price of forgiveness might best be elucidated through a story. I am reminded of the parable of the king who decided to settle accounts with his servants (Matt. 18). One servant owed the king millions of dollars, but showing mercy the king graciously set him free and canceled the debt. But, later that day, this same servant found a fellow servant who owed him a few cents and grabbed him by the throat demanding that he pay-up. The fellow servant fell before him asking for pity and time to repay him. But the servant refused and had the fellow servant imprisoned. Others heard of this event and went to the king reporting what had happened. The king reminded the servant, “Shouldn’t you have taken pity on your fellow servant as I, your master, took pity on you?”

It seems that the clear message of the parable is that whatever offense anyone has committed against us, it is trifling compared to the vast debt of our sins against God. Our primary need is to be forgiven by God and realize that forgiveness. And here, is the most central and vital point in our discussion of forgiveness: As we begin to understand God’s total and complete forgiveness we are able to see our own responsibility and freedom to forgive. Grace has been extended to us through Christ. We are to extend that grace to others.

It is important to remember that God loves us because he chose (volition) to love us. He even loved us while were rebellious, defiant, and unrepentant (Romans 5:8). And He exercised His love and goodness toward us as individual sinners. In a similar manner we are to forgive others in an individualized manner. This matter of forgiveness is difficult because through it we relinquish the right to harbor resentment and ill will. Once we are forgiven by God, He no longer holds that act against us. In fact, He remembers the sin no more. The consequences of the act may live on but the act itself is forgotten. Yet, as humans we have great difficulty forgetting the wrongs done against us. When we truly forgive we relinquish the right to bring up these matters to the offender, or to others, in the future. Implied in the act of forgiveness is the decision to not dwell upon my personal pain caused by someone else. The act of forgiveness requires that we go beyond our personal pain, no matter how deep and devastating.

It is true, that forgiving others and receiving forgiveness is a packaged deal. The cost required in the process of forgiving serves as an exacting reminder of God’s immeasurable sacrifice in forgiving us. We are able to pay a small price in forgiving others only because He paid the consummate price to forgive us.

Forgiveness is the Beginning of Healing

Forgiveness is essentially concerned with relationships. Our relationship with God, others (past and present), and ourselves. Forgiveness is about the restoration and reconciliation of relationships. It requires us to honestly consider our position before God. As mentioned before, forgiveness is, in many cases, the beginning of the healing process. As we choose to let go of past hurts and injustices we are freed to move on with life.

A biblical example of interpersonal forgiveness is found in the life of Joseph. He was the victim of his brothers who planned to kill him, but then resorted to selling him as a slave to a group of traveling merchants. Joseph was abused by his siblings, sold into slavery, and destined to live in a foreign land. While in Egypt he was “set-up” by Pharaoh’s wife and imprisoned. Joseph was a victim of treachery from within his own family and from the government. Surely Joseph experienced periods of depression and anger as he dealt with and thought about the harm done to him. But, at the end of his life he was able to forgive those who had meant to harm him. In fact, through the process of forgiveness, he was able to see God’s hand at work in the midst of these terrible life circumstances.

There is no recipe to guide us through the process of forgiveness, but here is a list of items to attend to as we help others and ourselves work through the issue of forgiveness.

1. Acknowledge your own need for forgiveness. Be honest with yourself and God concerning your need to be made right with Him.
2. Consider the consequences (spiritual, physical, psychological) of not forgiving and holding onto pain, anger, and resentment.
3. Acknowledge the hurt and pain you have experienced and continue to experience.
4. Remind yourself that forgiveness is costly and is not easy. There is a misconception that forgiveness occurs quickly and that one need not spend much time on it. Forgiveness takes time.