Thoughts on Listening – Part 2

December 10, 1999

Listen: 1. To apply oneself to hearing something. 2. To pay attention; to give heed.

By far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening. We spend an enormous amount of time listening, most of which we waste, because on the whole most of us listen very poorly. – Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled.

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We must learn to listen. And this requires emotional strength. Listening develops patience, openness and a desire to understand. Listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re listening to understand.

1. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

During the Spring of 1997 I wrote a newsletter on the topic of listening. Based upon the response of readers and my continued personal interest in the subject of listening as it relates to conflict resolution and improved relationships, I’d like to revisit the topic.

A key point that was emphasized in the prior Counseling Newsletter was that listening requires restraint and patience. To effectively listen and truly understand another person we need to set aside our immediate agenda and move into another person’s world . In this edition of the Counseling Newsletter I hope to build upon these ideas and prompt you to consider:

• how effective listening might allow you to more deeply know others.
• how effective listening might provide an avenue for changing and improving relationships.
• how emotionality and defensiveness limits our ability to listen and effectively interact with others.

The ability to listen well and resolve conflict are very closely connected. Conflict doesn’t always dissipate when we acknowledge each other’s point of view, but it’s almost certain to get worse if we don’t. It would seem that listening to others is actually in our best interest—so why don’t we take time to hear each other?

DEFENSIVENESS AND REACTIVE RESPONDING

Most failures to listen well are not primarily due to self-absorption, but to our defensive reactions. Reacting emotionally to what another person says is the number one reason conversations turn into arguments. And the worst thing about emotional reactivity is that it’s contagious. As the tendency to respond quickly and in a harsh manner jumps the gap from speaker to listener, the level of reactivity escalates while the desire to listen declines. Our emotional reactions often lead us to speak defensively as we counter-attack. “I can’t believe that you could even think about saying such a terrible thing about me. I’m completely offended and refuse to talk about it anymore.”

In contrast to this accelerating tendency toward emotional responding, we can begin to understand each other as we learn to recognize our own defensive reactions (jealousy, insecurity, feeling disrespected) and actively take charge of our responses. In order to listen well and resolve matters with those we love, we need to monitor our reactions and impede our tendencies to overreact. In place of emotionality we need to listen in a calm and measured way. James, of the New Testament, offers wise counsel in this regard, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

EMOTIONALITY AND LISTENING

Usually it isn’t the content of what we say that makes people “deaf,” it’s the strong emotionality behind what we say. A speaker who expresses himself/herself in a highly emotional way makes listeners anxious and uneasy—and therefore, the listeners become “hard of hearing.” Often, it’s the way things are said that determines whether we are heard or not. If you want to be listened to and heard, consider how much

emotionality (anger, anxiety) you express—or how much gets churned up when you

speak. Listeners react to that kind of emotion. How they listen and respond is also shaped, in large measure, by the emotional content of your words and non-verbal communication. If you reduce the emotional intensity of your body language along with your words you may be heard, even when the subject is a difficult one.

LISTENING TO OTHERS AS A METHOD OF CHANGE

Usually we are not able to change our relationships by changing other people. But we can generate change in relationships by changing how we interact with others. How we listen to others can actually alter the nature of the relationship. For instance, much misunderstanding can be cleared up if we learn to do two things: 1) appreciate the others person’s perspective, and 2) clarify what usually remains implicit. As we take on the viewpoint of another person we begin to see the situation as they see it. They feel heard and understood and we become able to see life through their eyes. Our acknowledgment of their perspective and invitation for them to say more might sound like, “I haven’t thought about it that way—but you do have a good point. Tell me more about what you’re thinking.”

We can also change our relationships with others by articulating what often remains assumed, but unspoken. Paraphrasing or “summing up” what a person has said communicates caring. Even so, effective listening is not achieved by summing up what the other person has said as though that should be the end of it, but as a means of inviting him/her to elaborate so you can really understand. This is particularly true when discussions become heated and conflictual. The more heated the exchange, the more important it is to acknowledge what the other person has said. When two people are talking about something important, each feels an urgent need to get his/her point across. But, without some acknowledgment from one another, each is likely to continue restating their position, thinking to themselves, “If only he/she would see what I’m saying, we wouldn’t have to argue like this.” During intense discussions, repeating the other person’s position in your own words shows that you are understanding what they are saying—and it interrupts your own defensive response.

Listening well—listening in a way that changes relationships—also requires patience and restraint. We can cannot listen and take in the full richness of someone else’s experience if we are intently awaiting our turn to respond. Empathy requires restraint—it requires effort. It means listening without being in a hurry to take over or take control.

One last thought on listening as a method of change: Less than successful listening often takes the form of telling other people not to feel the way they do. It’s frustrating when others tell us we shouldn’t worry, feel guilty, or be fearful. The intention may be generous but the effect is to discount the reality of what we feel. Most attempts to talk people out of their troubles are correctly understood as rejection—namely, “Don’t upset me with your upset.” It is important to keep in mind that another person’s emotional reaction only seems inappropriate as long as we can’t see and understand his/her memory or perspective.

LISTENING AS A GIFT—MOVING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF

When we truly listen to another person we are giving the gift of concern. When it is genuine, listening demands that we take an interest in the speaker and what he/she has to say. The act of listening requires a submersion of the self and immersion into the other. Often times we may be interested, but too concerned about controlling, instructing, or reforming the other person to be truly open to their point of view. For instance, parents often have trouble hearing their children as long as they can’t suspend their urgent need to set them straight. A positive alternative to a controlling response might be, “Son, I don’t agree will all that you’re saying—but I want to see things from your perspective—keep going—tell me more.”

To really listen you need to suspend your own agenda, forget about what you might say next, and concentrate on hearing and understanding what is being communicated. To listen well, we defer to the other person’s need for attention and understanding. It’s necessary to let go of what is on your mind long enough to hear what is on the other persons. This does not mean that we should only listen and not verbally respond to what our friends, spouses or children say. Rather, when we respond, our words and actions should be framed by the context of listening and understanding.

Again, the essence of good listening is empathy, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and entering into the experience of another person. Listening well is being receptive and responsive rather than being reactive or asserting one’s own agenda.

Until you acknowledge the other person’s position, they are unlikely to be open to yours. They may listen, but they won’t hear. Most people won’t really listen or pay attention to your point of view until they become convinced that you’ve heard and appreciated theirs. Even when you’re the one initiating a discussion about something of concern to you, the best way to ensure that you’ll be heard is to invite the other person to explain his/her viewpoint before you present your own.

LISTENING AS ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS

When we listen in a sincere and authentic manner—we communicate acceptance of others. Listening means taking in—not taking over. As we listen we take others seriously. We help them satisfy their need for self-expression and our need to feel connected. The listener appreciates others as they are, hearing feelings and ideas. Empathy—effective listening—is the human echo. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, a harsh world stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:11.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ASPIRING LISTENERS

To listen well requires purposeful effort to be patient, supportive, and other centered. For many people the task of listening well seems vague and is difficult to apply. In summary, here are some tips that may help you improve your ability to effectively listen and care for others:

• Resist the impulse to be emotionally reactive. Focus on recognizing your tendency to respond defensively—and then move toward listening in a calm and measured way.
• Invite God into the conversation and ask Him to guide both your listening and speech.
• Emphasize the importance of the other person’s perspective.
• Clarify what is implicit and unspoken.
• Paraphrase and “sum up” what the other person has said. Encourage themto elaborate.
• Don’t tell others how they should think or feel. Avoid being judgmental. Try to hear their story with their personal history and perspective in mind.
• Think of your listening to others as a gift you are giving.