Thoughts on Psychological Pain

January 29, 1995

What doesn’t destroy me makes stronger.  John Perkins

Christians don’t really know how to interpret pain. If you pinned them against the wall, in a dark, secret moment, many Christians would probably admit that pain was God’s one mistake. He really should have worked a little harder and invented a better way of coping with the world’s dangers. Phillip Yancey

An aching soul is evidence not of neurosis or spiritual immaturity, but of realism. Lawrence Crabb

Pain. Sometimes it hurts just to say the word. For most of us pain has no intrinsic value. Whether the pain is of an emotional, relational, or physical type—we all seek to avoid it. Americans spend 63 billion dollars per year to deal with physical aches and headaches alone. Pain knows no favorites. If we cannot avoid the pain then we often expend great effort to limit its intensity. Yet pain does have a few redeeming qualities. In many cases pain serves as a warning. It alerts us to potential danger or damage. The problem of pain dominates the disciplines of counseling and psychology. Two clinical examples come to mind.

Joe (a pseudonym to protect his identity) was a strong and determined young man. Some years ago he had plans to become a pastor who would lead people to a deeper and more vibrant faith. Shortly after completing seminary and being ordained he began to experience a number of symptoms of physical pain. He had general aches throughout his body, but particularly in his neck and lower back. He also suffered from intense, and sometimes debilitating, headaches. The source of this pain was traced to an earlier surgical procedure that had gone awry which was now producing these deleterious secondary effects. Not surprisingly, the physical pain and distress had also spawned other problems in Joe’s life. The pain became so severe that he could no longer continue with his pastoral responsibilities and he went on disability through his denominational insurance plan. Joe had seemingly “lost” the vocation that meant so much to him. His relationship with his wife of 15 years also began to suffer. Joe and his wife each wondered if they had married the “right” person. Joe was in pain—physically, emotionally and relationally. The pain was so severe and of such a chronic nature that he began to suffer from periods of deep depression and despair.

Those who deal with psychological and physical suffering confront a number of difficult and pressing questions. Invariably these questions pivot around spiritual and theological issues.

Gina (also a pseudonym) is in her early twenties and is also dealing with pain—but a much different pain than Joe’s. Earlier this year Gina was raped by a male acquaintance. When I first met Gina she was very confused, depressed, and disoriented. This aggressive sexual act left her with many unanswered questions. Like Joe, Gina suffered a loss. Gina had lost her belief in her physical safety with men, lost the freedom to interact with others without fear, and lost her virginity. She often re-experienced this traumatic event through intrusive memories. Gina no longer felt safe when she was home alone, getting into her car, or walking in her neighborhood.

Those who deal with psychological and physical suffering confront a number of difficult and pressing questions. Invariably these questions pivot around spiritual and theological issues. In this newsletter I hope to briefly address the most pressing questions and concerns that clients in pain bring to our meetings. A short list of these inquiries include:

• How can experiencing pain be worthwhile? What are the redeeming qualities within the experience of pain?
• What is God’s perspective on pain? How does He see it and how does He hope we will understand it? What implications does this hold for me?
• How does God use pain in our lives?
• How can we make sense out of our pain and make use of it?

 

ATTENDING TO PAIN

Since pain causes discomfort and distress we devise ways to avoid pain rather than attend to it. In our efforts to escape personal and emotional pain we rearrange our circumstances rather than seek to make life changes. We employ a certain amount of denial as we try to push the inevitable pain aside. People let us down. We let others down. We cannot escape the impact of our disappointing and fallen world. It seems that the experience of psychological pain is not necessarily a sign of spiritual or characterological immaturity, but a sign of honest living in an often times saddened world.

The experience of pain can be our ally if we interpret it as a warning signal that prompts us to change (not rearrange) our way of living. Pain can speak to us, soften us, and change us.

Depending on how we respond to the pain in our lives—the experience of pain can be a positive and worthwhile experience. The experience of pain can be our ally if we interpret it as a warning signal that prompts us to change (not rearrange) important relationships and patterns of living. Pain can speak to us, soften us, and change us.

As we experience emotional and psychological distress we must start by attending to the pain. We need to listen to and heed pain’s message for us. In order to listen we will need to slow down and remove the other noises and distractions in life. Rather than seeking to distract ourselves from the pain or denying the existence of the pain, I encourage clients to quiet their minds and hearts and pay attention to the voice and the source of the pain.

MAKING SENSE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN

Psychological pain is often predictable. Further, psychological pain is often redundant, orchestrated, and choreographed. As an example, the redundancy of emotional pain can easily be seen during episodes of marital conflict. Couples that I see often report fighting over the same topics or issues. The course of the argument is predictable as they re-play past conflict. The sequence is so commonplace that it appears to be rehearsed. Each person has a role to play, a role they have been playing for years. The “dance steps” of the conflict appear to be choreographed—he backs-off and creates distance, she pursues and tries to re-create closeness. Couples may become dull or numbed to the pain, but it haunts them nonetheless.

When faced with emotional pain we often seek to manage it. We might withdraw or launch a counter-attack. We might try to cope with the pain without addressing its root causes. All of these strategies are temporarily adaptive, but they are also problematic. These short-term ways of coping short-circuit the lessons that painful times can bring and they weaken the potential changing power of painful experiences.

Rather than rely on these ineffective tactics of avoiding pain, my goal is to direct clients to a wiser and more courageous confrontation of pain and it origins, with the hope that they may grow in maturity and depth.   From this perspective pain, that we once ran from as an enemy may become our hero carrying us to change and growth.

PAIN AS A CHALLENGE TO FAITH

C.S. Lewis in his classic text, The Problem of Pain, offered this observation, “If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty, He would be able to do what He wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either goodness, power, or both. This seems to be the problem of pain in its simplest form.”

How we deal with pain reveals how we think about life. Our response to painful experiences provides a window into our beliefs: Do we trust God to work in pain for good? Is God in control? Is there sin in me that may be adding to the pain? Since pain can also trigger memories of past hurt and sorrow, we are forced to consider issues related to the fairness, equity, and justice of God.

Twentieth century Christianity has been shaped by western culture. We no longer understand pain as a common experience of living in a fallen world. We are often unwilling to see that God uses the experience of pain to refine our character and drive us to Himself. Rather, we try to run from the reality of pain. This urge to escape typifies our hollow and shallow understanding of life, the human condition, and God’s greater, but often, concealed purposes.

In contrast to this modern “pain phobia” the author of Proverbs suggests that to understand our lives, and by implication to understand the pain that enters our lives, we should not “lean upon our own understanding” but that we should trust in God (Prov. 3:5). The writer does not discourage us from trying to find answers, but he counsels us to not lean upon our ability to make the pieces fit.

When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! James 1:3 (Phillips)

Expanding upon this thought, James (a New Testament writer) made a striking recommendation concerning affliction and pain—by suggesting they be welcomed as friends. “When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on (don’t try to squirm your way out) until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become people of mature character, people of integrity with no weak spots” (James 1:2-4, Phillips, italics mine).

Paul, a man closely acquainted with physical and psychological pain, made an astounding statement about hardship when he wrote, “All things work together for good for those who love God…” He didn’t say that all things were good. Paul was not contending that sickness, sorrow, or death were really positives in disguise. Rather, he was purposefully reminding his readers that God had promised to take these hardships and seasons of pain and bring good from them (Romans 8:28).

Contrary to some modern Christian teaching (and our own expectations) God typically does not rush in to explain His purposes. This aspect of Christian faith is not well advertised. It seems that God is rarely in a hurry. And sometimes He can be agonizingly slow to solve the problems and struggles we bring to Him even when we beg or bargain. God is not obligated to explain Himself. Unless He chooses to reveal His motivation and purposes as related to our personal pain, which he often does not, His reasons remain beyond the reach of mortal man.

But even when we do not know the specific reason for our pain we can be comforted with the confidence that He is able to use our pain as a tool to change us and to use us in the lives of others. If we respond to pain with a willingness to be changed, God honors our desire.

COPING WITH PAIN

There are healthy and not-so-healthy ways of dealing with pain. I urge clients be honest with hurts and yet not become consumed by them—to maintain a sense of balance and focus. Excessive attention to pain can lead to self-centered preoccupation and self pity. On the other hand, if we deny or discount the reality of our pain, we may miss the lessons it has to teach us.

Successfully coping with pain requires that we stay connected to other people and that we do not lose sight of God in the midst of our pain. Concerning outside support, I recommend that hurting clients build friendships with those who have been in their “shoes.” I encourage clients to enlist friends to both pray for them and to track with them through their difficult season. Journaling and other forms of expression and reflection may also be beneficial.

THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY AND THE CARE OF HURTING

The community of faith can be an ideal place for people in pain.

Christians have both the privilege and responsibility to care for those who are struggling.   Those who have experienced hardship are often in the very best position to be patient with those who are hurting and to provide them with encouragement and tender care (II Cor 1:3-12). Here is a short list of specific suggestions as you care for hurting people:

• Comfort first, counsel and analyze later.
• Allow opportunities for both encouragement and accountability.
• Help them see their pain from a long-term and hopeful perspective.
• Be patient and pray with them.
• When offering scriptural encouragement be careful to avoid pat answers.

Pain is a tough word—pain is an even tougher experience. Pain only makes sense when we see it from God’s perspective. During painful seasons we can choose to respond to the challenge and seek to be truly changed rather than merely rearranged. I have good news to report. Both Joe and Gina are doing well. They are resolving their struggles with painful experiences, and allowing the experience of pain to serve as a catalyst to change them into the people that they have always desired to be.