Thoughts on Relational and Sexual Infidelity

July 18, 1995

Circumstances don’t make a man, they reveal him. Like tea bags, our real strength comes out when we get into hot water.

The most important sexual organ is the mind. An affair starts in the mind long before it ends up in bed. – J.A. Peterson

It is more comfortable to control your activities rather than to try to control other people’s awareness of them. – Frank Pittman

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Betty (a pseudonym to protect her identity) first came to my office with complaints of anxiety and depression—psychological symptoms that were quite vague and non-specific. I wasn’t really sure why she had sought out a psychologist and I had difficulty determining the problems she wanted to address. Things became clearer during our third session when she told me that she’d been having a protracted affair with a man at work. She felt quite guilty, yet she was enjoying the excitement and pseudo-intimacy. What bothered her most was lying to her husband. Betty’s problem, in fact, revolved around her double-life.

Joe and Joan (pseudonyms) were referred by their pastor and came for help concerning their troubled relationship. They had been married twenty years and had two teenage boys. Joan spoke of Joe’s tendency to befriend women in their community. He was not overtly sexual or provocative, but Joan felt that Joe was showing these women a manner of affection that he rarely directed toward her. As the process of marital therapy unfolded it became clear that Joe was involved in a serious relationship with another woman.

During the past three years I have worked with six such couples struggling with the fall-out of relational and sexual infidelity. All of these cases involved Christian couples. The immediate and long-term effects of this betrayal of trust is so destructive, and so difficult to repair, that is merits special attention and discussion. In this edition of the Counseling Newsletter I will explore the matter of sexual and relational infidelity.

An Old Problem

Even though infidelity is a serious and grievous act, it is also a common and frequent event—even within Christian circles. Sexual and relational infidelity have a long and sordid history. Interestingly, and yet sadly, biblical accounts contain some of the most intriguing stories of attempted and consummated sexual infidelity.

The account of Joseph, found in the book of Genesis, speaks of a young man who became a respected administrator for a powerful middle-eastern ruler, Potiphar. Joseph saw that all the business and political affairs of Potiphar’s life ran smoothly. God’s hand of prosperity was upon him. Then one day, as Joseph was going about his work—a woman, Potiphar’s wife, began making sexual advances toward him. She went so far as to invite him into her bedroom. Joseph respectfully, yet firmly declined the invitation. Potiphar’s wife, indignant and enraged with Joseph’s rebuff falsely accused him of rape. Consequently, for some time Joseph was imprisoned because of his commitment to be sexually upright and faithful to Potiphar. (Gen. 39).

David, likely the most famous king of Israel, was a successful ruler. The people were content, military success was commonplace, and David was doing well. He woke up one ordinary day—a day not unlike those of a week or two before. He did not expect anything disastrous. There was no unusual scent in the air, no alarming harbinger, to alert David of the profound series of event that would begin that afternoon and evening. One act of sexual infidelity, with his friend’s wife, Bathsheba, would begin a familial and national tragedy of cover-up, deception, murder, and divine judgment. That moment of sexual pleasure grew into a source of unremitting pain. (II Samuel 11).

Sexual Wandering

Have you ever taken a walk in a forest or wooded area and gotten lost? What begins as an innocent and relaxed stroll can easily become a frightening and disorienting experience. One doesn’t intend to get lost and turned around. It just seems to happen.

Sexual wandering is much the same. Just as our legs and feet are free to roam and explore—so our eyes and mind can wander. As J.A. Peterson writes, “If you have a mind through which you think, you’ll be tempted through that mind. If you have a body in which you live, you will be tempted through that body. If you have a social nature by which you enjoy other people, that will be an avenue of temptation. If you are a sexual being, you’ll have sexual temptations.” Yet, it is important to remember that it isn’t the mind, body, or social nature that is primarily at fault. These factors merely make us aware of legitimate sexual and relational needs. Rather, the distorted appeal of sexual and relational infidelity is prompted by a desire to satisfy legitimate needs in a wrong way or at the wrong time.

New Testament writers, James (James 1:3) and Paul (I Cor 10:13), remind us that temptation and trials are to be considered a common experience. We are not to be surprised or shocked when temptation comes upon us. I am not suggesting that one should acquiesce to the urge of temptation—but that the experience of temptation is to be expected. The distinguishing factor is not the nature of the temptation, but how one responds to its enticement.

The attraction toward sexual and relational infidelity is multifaceted. For many, the draw of infidelity may center on the potential relationship and emotional intimacy, or the fascination of sensual or erotic excitement. For others the allure of infidelity may be the hope of relief from a life of boredom and pain.

But left to itself, the temptation of sexual and relational infidelity is utterly impotent. As J.A. Peterson writes, “To succeed temptation always needs a partner—someone to agree with it, to dance with it, to open the door for it, to welcome it in.” Once the door has been opened and the dance begun, there is no graceful way to stop the music and end the affair.

The Root of Infidelity

The origin of the word infidelity (infidel) implies the notion of a non-believer; one who does not keep the faith. All relationships are built upon a foundation of confidence and faith in another. Yet infidelity, of the sexual or relational type, damages the “marital faith” of both husband and wife. Infidelity is fed by the roots of secrecy, betrayal, and foolishness.

Secrecy

As depicted in the popular press, sexual affairs are fascinating because of the allure of forbidden sex. But upon closer examination, it appears that infidelity is not so much a sexual act, but an act of dishonesty and secrecy. Most would agree that honesty is a central factor in all intimate and committed relationships. For instance, imagine that a friend gave you detailed instructions on how to drive from Los Angeles to Chicago. And suppose your friend threw in just one left turn that was a lie—you would end up in Wyoming. Even the smallest lie can be hopelessly disorienting.

It order to breathe its first breath, infidelity requires the oxygen of quiet whispers and clandestine meetings. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The conspiracy, adventures, and tricks produce an alliance and partnership between the unfaithful pair. Simultaneously, relationships at home, become distant and uncomfortable. As we enter into deception and dishonesty we become increasingly bound to those who share our secrets and evasive with those to whom we are lying. Clients tell me that the power of the affair finds its source in the taproot of secrecy.

On two occasions clients have come to initial counseling sessions with a need to tell someone of their affair and to plan a course of action. Both of these people privately held out hope that they could end the affair and not speak of it to those who had unknowingly been hurt. When people are dishonest with each other, they may tell themselves they are protecting another from hurt; as if ending the relationship would resolve the matter. The issue here is not merely to tell or not to tell—the primary concern is honesty. Frank Pittman writes of his work with clients in the midst of infidelity, “When a man asks me whether something is or is not an infidelity, I suggest that he ask his wife. When a woman asks me if she has done something wrong in a certain situation, I reply that if she kept it a secret from her husband she must think so.” Secrecy creates a bond between those sharing the secret. Consequently, the secret creates distance between you and those from whom the secret is kept.

Betrayal

Infidelity is also rooted in a history of betrayal and abandonment of others. Frank Pittman writes that infidelity breaks commitment: “Infidelity is a breach of trust, a betrayal of a relationship, a breaking of an agreement.” People involved in affairs may believe they are betraying only their mate. Actually, they betray a legion of people, entire families. But it is the betrayal of the children which is the cruelest blow of all. In some cases the infidel has little idea that his/her act could damage the children. Yet, the effects of parental affairs shake the stability of both the marriage and the family. Some children never fully recover.

Foolishness

Lastly, infidelity is rooted in self-deception and foolishness. Frank Pittman offers a pointed question that we are wise to consider, “Why, we must ask ourselves, would otherwise sane people, people who buy insurance, who stop for traffic lights, who brush after every meal—risk everything in their lives for a furtive moment of sex.” As I have met with couples during the past few years I find myself often wondering, “Why would he/she will willing to risk so much for so very little?” We are a foolish people. We think we know what we really need, we think we know what will really make us happy.

Vulnerability

As mentioned above, I strongly believe that we are all responsible for our actions. Yet, situational factors can make us more vulnerable to poor judgment, leading to compromised decisions, and culminating in damaging behavior. It is during these transitions of life that we often caught by surprise.

In the course of life and marriage, there are turning points. Points of transition. Periods of loss or perceived loss. Periods of crisis and change.

POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS TURNING POINTS

• birth of a child
• empty nest
• career change
• dropping off of sex
• recent death
• move to new home
• physical problems
• financial stressors
• job promotion

We experience emotional instability during these turning points. It is at these times that relationships are most at risk for infidelity—times when we are aware of needs and expectations beyond our mate’s ability to meet. When one is vulnerable, a situation that might otherwise be safe may become dangerous.

The Chronology of Infidelity

It is not as if people lead moral, faithful lives one day and have an affair the next. To the outside observer it may appear this way, but infidelity is a process. The process is often overlooked because it is not apparent. Many affairs begin as friendships (at work, in the neighborhood, at church) and continue until sex occurs. The initial gestures of friendship may have been extended with pure intentions. There may have been no flirtatious or coy expressions.

In most situations it is difficult to know which comes first, marital discord or the seminal thoughts of infidelity. Yet, regardless of the sequence, there is a common pattern to all infidelity. What may seem like a sudden aberration—-a sensible man or woman “falling” for a another person—is better understood not as a surprise event, but as a process. The steps to infidelity are not obvious to the participant nor to the outside observer. This is why affairs seem to happen overnight. It may be helpful to approach infidelity as a four-fold process.

1. The marriage grows dry, the couple becomes disengaged, and attraction decreases. In this first stage of eventual infidelity, the relationship becomes common and well-worn. Husband and wife might find themselves continually run-down and tired, discouraged, and feeling unable to give to the relationship. They would like things to be better, but they don’t know what to do—they don’t have the “emotional capital” to invest in the marriage. Rather, they look to the other to carry the load of maintaining the relationship. Their defenses are down and they are vulnerable.
2. Husband/wife passively and progressively become open to outside/extramarital friendships that grow deeper and more intimate. As the marriage relationship becomes increasingly distant and disengaged, both partners begin to give extra notice to the positive characteristics of those around them. They notice how an opposite-sex workmate or neighbor listens to the whole story or how that person recognizes and compliments their new hairstyle/haircut. In the midst of their mild discontent they begin to wonder about the possibility that another person might better meet their “needs” and wants.
3. Fall in love with an outside partner. As these wonderings prosper and grow—thoughts become actions. Formerly brief chats become extended lunch time meetings. Benign gestures of friendship become more passionate—leading to physical and sexual intimacy. The excitement and rapture of the new relationship is all consuming. The thrill is dangerously mixed with the forbidden and the secret.
   4. Infidelity becomes acceptable because now we’re in love. The affair has now become a regular, and often scheduled, part of life. It is difficult to imagine living without this new love. They know what they are doing is wrong and destructive, but they feel compelled to maintain and foster the relationship. Through the process of secrecy and increased involvement the relationship now “feels” right. They know that things cannot continue like this for long, but just the same, they are unwilling and unable to extract themselves from the emotional and relational web they’ve spun.

Ending the Affair

If sexual and relational affairs are analogous to a cancer within the relationship—then cessation of the affair is much like aggressive surgery requiring both removal of the cancerous tumor as well as excision of nearby tissue which may have also been affected. Physical surgery is a three-step process: pre-operative work, the actual surgery, and post-operative recovering. In much the same way, ending an affair requires a three-step process.

Acknowledge the sin. The seminal step toward reconciliation and healing is recognizing the serious nature of the violation of the relationship. There must be NO room allowed for rationalization. This is no time for comparison and projection of blame. The infidel must willingly and unreservedly agree with the fact that they were wrong (regardless of mitigating circumstances) to have been inappropriately involved with another person in a relational or sexual manner.

Take action immediately. To turn from the affair (repentance) will require behavior that is mutually exclusive with the behavior that led to and fostered the affair. This change in thought and action must be decisive and uncompromising. Tough decisions must be made (e.g., no contact with the affair partner, no secret financial accounts, no secret appointments). Nothing less that full and complete commitment to a right lifestyle will suffice.

Action must be based upon obedience. The thoughts and behavior that led to the affair were based primarily upon selfish emotion and passion. The infidel can no longer rely upon what “feels” right. With clients, I have recommended that they pursue a restored and reconciled relationship to God. It is imperative that obedience be based upon God’s TRUTH rather than subjective truth.

Recovering, Regrouping, and Pressing On

Once the infidelity is no longer a secret and the couple has agreed to work toward reconciliation and relational repair, the difficult work begins. Here are a few suggestions I’d like to offer to both parties.

The Offender:

-stop being unfaithful, reveal everything, and throw yourself on the mercy of your family.

-report the affair to your spouse and assume full responsibility for the mistake (committing the sin).

-tell the truth—this is your job.

-apologize profusely, ask for forgiveness from the betrayed parties (God and your spouse).

-avoid the slightest notion of blaming your spouse (do not take your guilt and use it to blame others).

-remind yourself that no one made you do it—you did it yourself.

The Offended:

-feel whatever you feel (anger, hurt, disappointment, insecurity, insult). Expect that you will need

to bring these feelings to God not once, but many times.

-clearly express what you feel and let your partner know how deeply they have hurt you.

-don’t feel dumb for not having figured it out earlier; don’t take the blame for someone else’s action.

-don’t probe for juicy details.

-pray for a forgiving heart and guard against bitterness/resentment.

In the midst of dealing with the hurt and anger of the revealed infidelity, there is also a need for the couple to re-group and move ahead in the relationship. They must both repair the damage as well as move toward the future. At this juncture, a key task is to rebuild a sense of safety and trust. I strongly recommend that both partners develop and maintain strong same-sex friendships that emphasize mutual accountability. This is also an important time for the offending party to recognize that they have some significant weaknesses which can lead them to compromise. They need to acknowledge that they do not have the control and restraint to analyze and conquer libidinal desires. On the contrary, when faced with temptation, they will need to run, to flee, to make haste and get out of the way (I Timothy 6:11).

A Christian Response to Infidelity

Infidelity, of both a relational and sexual nature, is alive within the Christian community. And if we are honest with ourselves, we know that the potential for infidelity resides within us all. As I work with couples recovering from the affects of infidelity, I am reminded of my own vulnerability. In response, I ask for God’s protection on myself (my thoughts, feelings, and behavior) and my relationship with Denise.

When an incident of infidelity does becomes known within a Christian community it should be handled in a supportive and respectful manner. Give no place for gossip or “spouse bashing.” Rather, support those who have been betrayed and assist them in working through the confusing labyrinth of conflicting thoughts and feelings. For the infidel we can offer firm support, accountability, and ongoing friendship as they seek to repair the damage done to their family and marriage.

Joan and Joe; Betty

Joan and Joe are no longer together. Marital therapy was unsuccessful primarily because Joe was unwilling to forgo the affair. Currently Joan remains active at her church and regularly meets with other Christian women for support and encouragement.

Betty and her husband are doing well. Betty was found out by her husband and initially this generated great conflict. Her husband was very hurt, angry, and suspicious. It has been a difficult season for them. Nearly one year since the exposure of the affair, they continue to struggle, but they’re healing and growing.