Thoughts on the Art and Discipline of Listening

April 22, 1997

When you see someone over eager to speak, there will be more hope for a fool than for him. – Prov. 29:20

Like apples of gold in settings of silver, is a word spoken in right circumstances. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold, is a wise reprover to a listening ear. – Prov. 25:11-12

I like to do all the talking myself. It saves time, and prevents arguments. – Oscar Wilde

The profit of good conversation is something learned. You must be able to say, with reasonable certainty, “I understand,” before you can say any one of the following things: “I agree,” or “I disagree,” or “I suspend judgment.” – Mortimer J. Adler

---

“Dr. Morey, I don’t know what it is, but he just won’t listen to us. We’re doing our best to work with him, to help him do better in school and all, but he just doesn’t do what we say. He just doesn’t listen.”

“Rich, I have tried. I have really tried to get through to her, to let her know how I feel about our relationship. But it seems that she goes along as if everything is fine. Well, it isn’t fine and I’m getting ready to leave. She isn’t hearing me and I won’t put up with it.”

Such are the typical complaints and concerns voiced by clients. Wherever you find relationship problems you will also find problems in communication. One cannot exist without the other. Consider the relationship conflicts you have encountered and ask yourself, “Did faulty communication contribute to the problem?” Based upon 15 years of clinical experience and a thorough review of the psychological literature I have become convinced that poor communication is a key component in nearly all occurrences of relational tension.

I have become convinced that poor communication is a key component in nearly all occurrences of relational tension.

The most important factor in clear and caring communication is listening. We communicate poorly because we listen poorly. It is ironic, with the advent of the communication age, that we are talking more, but listening much less. We are drifting away from the art and discipline of listening. Yet, listening is our primary link to others. Listening moves us beyond ourselves. Even so, we are losing the ability and willingness to deliberately and sincerely listen.

Most would agree that we all need to say less and listen more. Many readers of this Newsletter are involved in caring for and helping others. Listening is a critical, if not essential, element in helping people. Yet, as a culture we have come to expect our “ears to be tickled” by the fancies of talk radio and television talk shows. We have become transfixed by the clattering sounds of our society, enveloped in a cascade of noise. We have been lulled into believing that we are truly listening. But, it is one thing to attend to the media and electronic gadgetry of our time, and a completely different thing to attentively listen to another person. As you read, I trust that you will be prompted to listen to the printed word, and then truly listen to those around you.

BECOMING OTHER CENTERED

For many people, listening has little value other than providing a momentary pause for catching one’s breath and guaranteeing the social right to speak again. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with a need to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering what they hear through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.

In contrast, at the core, listening involves moving into another person’s world—seeing and experiencing life from their perspective. Sincere and effective listening places the other person at the center of our attention. We grant them a place of honor and respect, counting them important as we listen. Listening of this type requires effort and discipline. In most cases, one cannot truly listen to another person and do anything else at the same time. Listening well requires that we put aside everything, including our worries and preoccupations. We must have an honest desire to hear what the speaker is saying. In a similar manner, to engage in authentic listening, we cannot be focused upon our own thoughts or experiences. Listening will propel us into the speaker’s life.

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with a need to reply.

Listening is an exercise of attention, and so by necessity, listening is often hard work. It is because we do not realize this, or we are not willing to do the work, that most of us do not listen well. Yet, if we are willing, we will find that active listening is perhaps more powerful than speaking. Listening is potent because it provides us with accurate information about people and situations. Instead of presuming to know the thoughts, feelings, and motives of others, we’re dealing with reality inside another person’s mind and heart. We’re actively listening to understand. We’re focused on receiving communication from another human soul.

Reflect upon those who are close to you. When you really need to talk—when you need someone to listen to you in a deep and understanding way—to whom do you go? Give some serious thought to this person who has come to mind. What is he or she like? What is it about their listening that puts them at the top of your list? One of the finest listeners in my life was Professor Dean Miller. Dr. Miller listened to others in manner that was both energetic and empathic. He positioned his body so he faced the speaker.

You could tell he was listening by the movement of his eyes, the expression on his face, and the insightful questions that followed.

In a similar manner, how do you know when someone is really listening to you and hearing what you are saying? What is it that they do as you are talking? How do they respond to your words? What are their follow-up responses or questions? Have you noticed that when others listen to you in a deep way, it is as if they count your words as more important than their own. Skilled listeners are more interested in understanding you than in being understood. They ask probing and attentive questions that give you an opportunity to express and clarify your thoughts and feelings.

To listen well means that for the most part we will be silent. Yet, saying nothing is not the same as doing nothing. As we hear the thoughts and concerns of others, we may not have an immediate response except to convey that we have heard what was said. There may not be quick solutions or apt words for the moment. Even so, such silence can communicate caring, compassion, and respect.

Have you noticed that when others listen to you in a deep way, it is as if they count your words as more important than their own. They are more interested in understanding you than in being understood.

LISTENING TO SERVE OTHERS

When we think of caring for or serving others we often see ourselves taking action. Yet, the act of quietly and gently listening can be of great service. Nothing speaks louder to a hurting person than not speaking. Listening says, “I take you seriously. It matters to me that you are hurting.” When we listen to others we aid in healing them. We provide a reparative and restorative salve to emotional wounds. In a similar manner, attentive listening communicates hope. People lose interest, if not hope, when they suspect that no one cares to listen.

Within the Christian community we are called to listen. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a pastor and W.W. II concentration camp prisoner, wrote of the importance of listening within the Christian body. “The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists of listening to them. Just as loving God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gave us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.” (Life Together, 1.97)

One who is not able to listen in a humble way won’t hear what the speaker is saying. Rather, he will only hear his own reaction, perhaps unaware of how much his own point of view has silenced the other person’s meaning. We cannot hear unless we listen—with our ears, minds, and hearts.

True listening requires humility. If we are to genuinely listen to others, to count their words as more important than our own, we must not be haughty or arrogant. Our best listening is done when we come to the conversation not with a need to be heard, but rather, with a desire to hear and wisely respond.

Humble listening also counteracts any tendency toward a quick response. Listening well helps us slow down and avoid being reactionary. If we listen well we will work to understand the words and thoughts of the speaker. We won’t jump to conclusions or build hasty and faulty assumptions about their meaning or intent.

INDICATORS OF EFFECTIVE AND SINCERE LISTENING

Listening is a process that involves caring for others in a multifaceted way. To summarize our discussion thus far, I have described below four key elements of effective and sincere listening:

1. Paying Attention: Closely following what the speaker is saying. Attending to nonverbal cues (eye contact, head nods, smiles) lets the speaker know they are being heard.
2. Listening for the Whole Message: Looking for the meaning, consistency, and congruence in verbal and nonverbal messages. Listening for ideas, feelings, and, intentions, as well as facts.
3. Hearing Before Evaluating: Listening to what someone says without drawing premature conclusions. Questioning the speaker in a nonaccusing manner. Rather than giving advice or judging—work to discover exactly what the speaker has in mind.
4. Paraphrase What You Have Heard: Nonjudgmentally paraphrase the words of the speaker and ask if this is what was meant. Follow-up with clarifying or gently probing questions.

Here is a brief checklist of characteristics that are common to effective listeners.

Effective listeners:

1. are quiet long enough for the speaker to come up with an idea or response to what has been said.
2. hear what is said “between the lines.”
3. hear not only the words which are spoken, but also the concepts or relationships discussed.
4. do not finish what others are trying to say.
5. don’t let outside influences distract their listening.
6. attend to what is being said rather than what they will say next.

Listening to ourselves requires that we quiet ourselves, become less reactionary, and consider what is transpiring within.

LISTENING TO SELF

The value of listening to one’s self is two fold. First, we are able to discern personal responses and needs. Secondly, we are able to compare our thoughts with the thoughts of God.

Most people would agree that it is important to listen to yourself and to attend to what is happening inside. Yet, just as most people do not thoroughly and gently listen to others—most do not carefully and attentively listen to themselves. I am not suggesting that we engage in “navel gazing” and become engulfed in the experience of endless introspection and self-reflection. But, I am suggesting that we listen to ourselves and attend to the messages being sent by our heart, mind, and body. For instance you might slow yourself down and attend to the following “signals” within:

• fluctuations of mood and emotion •thoughts, self-dialogue, and self-statements
• fatigue and lethargy •bodily responses (tension, light-headedness, •difficulties sleeping headaches, aches/pains, gastrointestinal upset)

Listening to ourselves requires that we quiet ourselves and consider what is transpiring within. We need to filter out the noise of our surroundings and devote time to contemplatively and thoughtfully assess ourselves and how we are functioning. We might ask ourselves, “what is my body saying to me these days?”, or, “what are my thoughts and feelings telling me?”

LISTENING TO GOD

As has been discussed, it is critical that we genuinely listen to others. Yet, it is even more important that we listen well to God. As beings created by God we have a need to hear Him and respond to His voice and direction. Yet for many people it is difficult to hear the voice of God.

Why is it difficult to hear God or to listen to the message He has for us? Some do not hear God because they do not know Him. They do not know Him experientially or intellectually. They do not know of His love or power. In order to really hear God and respond to his voice we must know Him. We can only hear and respond to one that we know.

Many other factors serve as barriers to hearing God. I will highlight only a few of the more salient contributors. A critical impediment that limits our ability to hear God is our unwillingness to wait upon Him. In a similar vein, listening to God requires that we exercise discipline by restraining ourselves from action until we have received clear direction from Him. Listening and responding to God’s leading is predicated upon a humble approach to God and His authority in our lives. A proud and haughty spirit limits our ability to hear Him. So, impatience, lack of discipline and focus, and pride limit our ability to hear God.

As we listen to others we can assist in their healing. In a much more powerful way, our listening to God, hearing His voice, and responding to His direction, is a key element in our own healing and in making us whole. The Old Testament prophet writes, “Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen that you may live.” (Isa. 55:3). Life is found in God’s word. In much of biblical writing God/Jesus is referred to as the shepherd. Those who know and follow God are referred to as sheep. With this metaphor in mind the listening and healing relationship between God and those who believe in Him is described in John 10. “He who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice and he calls his own sheep by name, and leads them out.” The sheep know the voice of the shepherd. They listen and respond. This relationship of listening and healing is also prominent in the Old Testament. For instance, the writer of Deuteronomy states, “When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days, you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.”

He put his ear to the “ground” of mankind. He spoke to the crowds, but his truths were never mass solutions. Each person was spoken to as an individual.

God, in the form of Jesus, listened to us. He put his ear to the “ground” of mankind. He spoke to the crowds, but his truths were never mass solutions. Each person was spoken to as an individual. Jesus spoke to the crowds with singular people in mind. Even his parables highlighted the importance of the individual: one lost coin, one lost sheep, one prodigal son.

It is interesting and informative to note that the Hebrew word for obey can also be translated as the word “to hear.” The Word of God is no less than God speaking. If we have not obeyed, then we have not truly heard.

In my work with clients I find it helpful to take notes to summarize what they have said and to aid in my effort to understand their comments. In a very similar way, many people, myself included, have found it helpful to maintain a journal as an aid is listening to and responding to God. The simple discipline of recording the events of a day/week/month and noting my reactions to these events causes me to examine myself much more than I would otherwise. Through such a journal God can show us directions for service and well as illuminating areas of sin, weakness, or the emptiness of a path we have chosen.

IN CLOSING

I trust that you have become convinced that faulty communication is an important component in all relationship problems. Caring for others is predicated upon our capacity to reach out to them through listening. Our willingness to listen well is made challenging by the noisy and distracted world in which we live. Even so, choosing to genuinely listen to others will require humility, patience, and an attitude of counting others as more important than ourselves.