Thoughts on the Oppositional and Defiant Behavior of Children and Adolescents: Part Two

August 23, 1999

In this edition of the Counseling Newsletter, we will take a second look at the topic of oppositional and defiant behavior of children. But unlike the first installment, which described how defiant behavior is developed and maintained, this edition will emphasize strategies for decreasing and managing the disruptive effects of oppositional behavior.

By way of summary, the central points contained in Part One were:

1. All behaviors are designed to bring about a desired effect. Oppositional and coercive behavior may be negative, but it is purposeful and intentional.
2. Oppositional children and adolescents engage in non-compliance (misconduct that involves passive avoidance of parental instructions or household rules) or defiance (verbal or physical resistance to parental directives—verbal refusals, temper outbursts, and physical aggression).
3. Three key factors contribute to the establishment of problematic childhood and

adolescent behavior:

1. maladaptive parenting (weak and inconsistent discipline, coercive consequences, and poor monitoring of the child’s behavior).
2. academic failure (poor attendance, reduced time on-task, rejection by the conventional peer group).
3. affiliation with a deviant peer group (child/adolescent begins to identify with and model after peers who are defiant and antisocial).
4. Oppositional children use coercive and aversive techniques to get what they want while avoiding work/responsibilities.
5. Oppositional and antisocial behavior follows a predictable and progressive sequence toward more extreme forms of deviant behavior.

The Basic Goal of Dealing with Oppositional Children

Managing, dealing with, and hopefully changing the behavior and attitude of oppositional and defiant children is based upon a singular goal: regaining a measure of control or influence over their behavior. This basic model of contingency management (your consistent response to the oppositional child is contingent upon their behavior) is designed to reestablish the parent’s authority within the family. The parents’ role as leader must be firmly in place before negotiating any topics of conflict. The belief that parents should actively lead and direct their families is predicated upon the assumption that parents and children/teens are not equal partners. For a number of very good reasons (maturity, sound judgment, orderliness) parents must be at the helm of the family ship. As will be discussed later, I am not recommending that parents treat their children as chattel or bond slaves. Yet, children residing at home (even adolescent children) must be willing to recognize, respect, and honor the role of leadership vested in their parents.

Patterns of Disruptive or Oppositional Behavior

Nearly all behavior occurs in a predictable manner. For instance, patterns of sleeping, eating, driving, playing, and working usually occur in readily discernible patterns. But, such predictability does not necessarily apply to oppositional and defiant behavior. Defiant behavior does not occur continuously throughout the day. Rather, these problematic behaviors appear in bursts or chunks. Episodes of high-rate, high-intensity opposition/defiance (coercive behavior) punctuate an otherwise normal course of behavior. These bursts of defiance are invariably preceded by the instruction/request of a parent or teacher. The flurry of oppositional behavior is not a chance event—rather, it is a deliberate effort to coerce the parent/teacher to withdraw their request or command.

Anatomy of An Argument

Defiant and oppositional behavior is usually preceded by an argument. For most oppositional children, the goal of the argument is not to exchange information and come to a mutually acceptable solution. Rather, the goal is to challenge the parent’s authority and confuse them with irrelevant and often contradictory information. Most arguments between parents and children follow a pattern much like this:

1. The parent has made a request and the child fails to comply. The parent repeatedly restates the request. The parent becomes frustrated and angry secondary to the noncompliance.
2. The parent then issues a warning/threat. “If you don’t do _____ right away I will _____.”
3. Even in the face of this threat, the child does not comply.
4. The threat actually lacked credibility and the threat goes unenforced.
5. The parent becomes more angry and frustrated. In return, the teen becomes more antimated, defensive, and irritable. Voices begin to rise in volume and intensity. Violations of verbal and physical boundaries occur. Insults, angry refusals, and destructiveness begin.
6. The conflict resolves in one of two ways: 1) the parent disciplines the teen (but this often fails because the discipline is applied inconsistently or is delayed well past the point when compliance was initially requested), or 2) the parent acquiesces and the command is left uncompleted or partially completed.

The next time the parent asks/instructs the teen to do something, the likelihood of the teen resisting the command has increased. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is true. The more a parent persists in repeating a request, the more intense the teen’s resistance will become. The repetition validates impotence. This resistance (noncompliance) is due to their previous success at avoiding or postponing the activity/task.

In response, parents may also adopt an aggressive or coercive style toward their defiant adolescent. For instance, let’s imagine that through the use of threats/physical aggression/yelling, a parent has just been successful in getting their usually oppositional child to comply with a command. The parent has discovered that if they rapidly increase the intensity of their negative behavior toward the teen—they are more likely to get compliance. Consequently, when similar situations arise in the future, the parent may quickly escalate to intense negative/coercive behavior because of their history of success at terminating the oppositional behavior of their teen. In order to continue with this aversive strategy of control, the parent need not experience success with every interaction. Rather, only occasional success with coercive behavior is needed to sustain this style of attempted control and influence, because intermittently reinforced behavior is the most difficult to extinguish.

So, both parents and children train each other that when a command-compliance situation arises, the faster each escalates the argumentative (“in your face”) behavior the more likely the other person is to acquiesce to their demands. What has been established is a predictable and caustic power struggle between parent and child.

Basic Principles of Behavior Management

When dealing with challenging or oppositional children a game plan or strategy is needed. Such a plan is most likely to succeed if it is built upon a foundation of internally consistent assumptions or principles. Based upon both replicated research (Barkley et. al., 1999) and clinical experience, six key principles are critical when developing a plan for changing the behavior of an oppositional child or adolescent:

1. Immediacy of Consequences: The consequences of a behavior (positive or negative) must be applied as quickly as possible after the target behavior or incident. Do not wait hours or even minutes to confront the problem or reward the appropriate behavior.
2. Specificity of Consequences: Consequences (tangible, social or verbal) should be specific. Praise and criticism should concern the behavior at hand rather than vaguely referring to the teenager’s general behavior or attitude.
3. Predictability of Consequences: Parents of oppositional children/adolescents often provide unpredictable and indiscriminate consequences. Positive consequences do not necessarily follow positive behavior and may be as likely to occur following negative behavior. Negative consequences may also be provided in an equally indiscriminate fashion. To break this pattern, parents must make all consequences (both positive and negative) predictable.
4. Consistency of Consequences: Consistent application of positive/negative consequences across settings, over time, and between parents. Parents should respond to their child’s behavior similarly across various contexts. Do not handle a problem one way at home and in a different way in public places.
5. Incentive Programs Before Consequences: Punishment for inappropriate behavior should not be introduced in the home unless the parents have established a specific program for rewarding appropriate behavior. Often times, punishment becomes the main type of interaction between parents and their oppositional children. But, punishment loses its effectiveness when the family environment is devoid of positive incentives for appropriate conduct.
6. Anticipating and Planning for Misbehavior: Parents spend a tremendous amount of time managing misbehavior and invest minimal, if any time, in analyzing, anticipating, and possibly preventing problem situations. Think ahead and prepare a plan before entering a potential problem situation. If you wait until the disruptive/unmanageable behavior occurs and then respond, it will be too late.

Effective Consequences

Research by G. Patterson, Ph.D. (1976, 1982) indicates that four factors increase the effectiveness of appropriate consequences.

1. Consistent, mild-moderate consequences are much more effective than consequences that are more severe but inconsistently applied.
2. Reduce the frequency of repeated commands (act don’t yak).
3. Recognize and rapidly terminate escalating interactions with children/teens.
4. Do not regress to a predominately punitive management strategy.

Effective Positive Reinforcement (Rewards)

Many parents rely upon punishment methods when attempting to shape the behavior of an oppositional child. Exclusive use of punishment is insufficient. From an empirical perspective, change in the child’s behavior is most likely to occur secondary to reinforcement of positive behavior.

For parents of defiant and oppositional teens, the ratio of reprimand and criticism to praise is very skewed. In the midst of this imbalance, the teen often has little motivation to even try to improve his behavior. The solution is not to reduce the corrective comments (because the teen does misbehave and requires corrective feedback), but to dramatically increase the positive comments and verbal rewards. It is crucial that the number of positive interactions outweigh the number of negative interactions.

Parents can also praise their child for the absence of common misbehavior. Consider identifying one or two common minor misbehaviors, and then over the next week or two, go out of your way to praise your child when the misbehavior does not occur in a situation where you would normally expect it.

Praise your kids for spontaneous/immediate compliance. For every 100 times you direct a command at your child and they do not comply—how often do you respond negatively? But, for every 100 times you issue a command and they do comply—how often to you respond in a positive or encouraging manner? Do not discount your child’s negative behavior—but take on a new perspective in which you try to catch them being good or doing the right thing and then acknowledge and praise him/her—rather than primarily focusing upon and responding to their negative behavior.

At times, when you are busy and your teen is not bothering you, but behaving well, interrupt your activity and go to him and let him know how much you appreciate that he did not disturb you while you worked. Whenever your teenager volunteers to help you do something or performs a helpful task around the home without being told, be sure to acknowledge her help and appreciate her effort. If you ask your child to do something, be sure to take a few moments and immediately praise him for beginning to start the task. Whenever you praise your child’s behavior do not use sarcasm or backhanded compliments (“It’s about time you cleaned your room”). Be attentive to even the small things that your child does for you. By noticing the little things you may see a positive change in your relationship with him and an increased desire to work with/for you.

Negotiable and Nonnegotiable Issues

Parents must distinguish between negotiable and non-negotiable issues. For instance, I contend that parents should not negotiate with their children about using alcohol, drugs, smoking, physical violence, or treating others in a disrespectful fashion. All parents need to clearly identify a small set of bottom-line issues that concern the basic rules for living in a civilized and moral society. These standards are not subject to negotiation. Yet, on the other hand, the issues not on the list are legitimate topics for negotiation and potential compromise.

Concerning the negotiable issues, parents need to involve their children/teens in the decision making process. This is a key opportunity for shaping responsible independence. Children and teens are more likely to cooperatively comply with rules they have helped create. The teen’s involvement in decision making doesn’t necessarily mean that they are an equal partner with parents, but it does mean they have a voice in the matter, and that their perspective is taken seriously.

Maintaining Good Communication

Clear, caring and respectful communication binds relationships together. Defiant teens and their parents can easily become embroiled in circular arguments and debates. Such arguments become defensive and hostile as they get sidetracked onto unrelated points of contention. Oppositional teens tell their parents very little about what they are thinking and feeling—and parents tend not to listen when their adolescents need to talk. When talking with your oppositional child/teen keep these things in mind:

• calmly disagree and talk in a normal tone, showing respect.
• note the good and the bad; use emphatic but respectful language.
• make eye contact and say what you think and feel.

Summary

Defiant and oppositional behavior in children and adolescents has a predictable course of onset and development. Counteracting this trend requires that parents regain control/influence within the home through consequences/reinforcers that are consistently applied, specific, and predictable. Clarifying negotiable/non-negotiable issues and fostering clear and respectful communication can also mitigate oppositional attitudes and behaviors.