Thoughts on Victimhood

March 23, 1997

VICTIM: one who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency or condition. A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

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We all experience loss and change. Some of these losses are predictable and anticipated. For example, we transition from the warmth of summer to the crisp weather of fall. As children we experienced the transition from the carefree joys of childhood to the meaningful responsibilities of adulthood. In a similar manner, as people move toward a committed relationship they transition from the autonomy of a single lifestyle to the intimacy and depth of marriage.

Yet, loss and change also strike in a tragic and sudden ways. Such losses do not initially present themselves as opportunities for adaptation and transition–but as an unwanted and destructive intruders. These losses are often sobering, discouraging, and life changing. Examples of such loss include:

• loss of job/career
• death of a loved one
• physical/sexual abuse
• divorce
• terminal illness

When we experience loss we often seek to make sense of the pain. One common way of “processing” pain is to consider one’s losses against the backdrop of the losses encountered by others. In my work as a psychologist, it is not unusual to hear people compare their losses to the losses of others. We seem to derive a sense of solace if we are able to convince ourselves that our loss is uniquely severe. It is as if we want to hear others say, “I have heard the accounts of many suffering people, but they have nothing on you. Yours is the worst I’ve ever heard.” We entertain the notion that no one has ever suffered as we have. In a rather self-focused manner some sincerely believe that no one will ever meaningfully understand their pain. A corollary of this first assumption is that no one can offer relevant and meaningful help to aid in resolving the pain. For some, pain and change propel them forward. They grow through the pain. For others, their pain is a trap in which they become stuck and remain so. Those who suffer loss in this way are victims. They indulge themselves in their pain and derive consolation from their misery.

For some, pain and change propel them forward. They grow through the pain. For others, their pain is a trap in which they become stuck and remain so. Those who suffer loss in this way are victims.

In the context of this Newsletter I will refer to this group as professional victims. These are individuals who define their role in life as the hurt one, the one who is uncared for, the one who is abused and taken advantage of by others. Although professional victims do experience real and legitimate pain—they also contribute to their own distress and agony. They put themselves into situations that foster continued abuse and victimization. Victimhood becomes their lifestyle.

For instance, have you ever known a person who believed they had been so deeply and irrevocably hurt that they were unwilling to be helped? They may have been dealing with increasing and compounding problems—but they were unwilling to allow you to assist them. Such people take on the role of the professional victim. They are difficult to help because they see themselves as powerless and impotent. This edition of the Counseling Newsletter is devoted this phenomenon of victimhood.

VICTIMHOOD AND SUFFERING

Suffering and pain challenge our world view. Hard times demand that we reconsider how we frame and understand life’s purposes. When pain comes upon us a common response is to pursue avenues of relief. We ask, “How can I decrease or eliminate my pain?” Yet, the true test of our character comes when we are unable to avoid or decrease our pain.

We often assume that pain does us no good. The field of psychology offers a number of theories and strategies for preventing and circumventing pain. These models of intervention have been proven effective in treating chronic physical pain, trauma, and relational pain. Although these models of treatment are efficacious, we are still left with the problem of the pain they cannot relieve.

In contrast to the perspectives of modern medicine and psychology, the Christian world view contends that suffering and pain can be redemptive. Especially suffering that is joined to Christ’s suffering. A first-century pastor and New Testament writer, James, described the redemptive power of suffering in this way, “When all kinds of trails crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends. Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become people of mature character, people of integrity with no weak spots” (James 1:2-4). A Biblical perspective would suggest that, although pain and suffering are challenging, our response to such difficulties can positively change who we are.

Victimhood is associated with a variety of emotional states including anger, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, regret, and revenge. These emotions can be fueled by a belief that we have been treated unjustly. We have incurred loss or pain at the hand of another and we are hurt and angry about it. A persistent state of anger, hurt, and lack of forgiveness is like a fire that slowly burns within us producing a smoke that smothers the soul. The resulting bitterness is insidious and destructive. The anger and resentment occasionally flare up through embittered comments or fits of rage, but most of the time we are content to stay low to the ground, allowing the feelings to smolder, silently searing the heart.

It is important to note that emotions like anger or pity, no matter how justified and legitimate, do not define reality. Our feelings do not determine what is real—though the feelings themselves are real. We cannot ignore how we feel, but neither should we indulge our emotions. Rather, we should acknowledge the emotions within us without treating them as if they were the ultimate truth. Feelings are a response to a perceived reality. The “feeling self” is not the center of reality. God is the center of reality. To surrender and cooperate with God, however contrary to our emotions, will lead to liberation from self and will free us from the resentment and anger associated with the role of victim.

The unfortunate and painful events of the past become the organizing principle in their life.

ESSENTIAL FEATURES OF VICTIMHOOD

Five essential features comprise the experience of the professional victim.

1. The professional victim defines himself based upon past events.
2. The world view of the professional victim is distorted.
3. Professional victimhood is a trap disguised as an explanation.
4. The professional victim refuses adulthood.
5. Professional victims turn away from their own strengths and ability to cope.

1. The professional victim defines himself based upon past events.

Those who assume the role of victim believe that their life is dominated and determined by the course of past events. Most often they have suffered terrible and life changing trauma. Some people have undergone great suffering–including cases of incest, rape, and torture. Yet, the professional victim understands their current station in life as a direct result of the trauma. The unfortunate and painful events of the past become the organizing principle in their life. All future circumstances are interpreted through the framework of their past pain. Essentially, the victim is in bondage to their past. The past defines who they are today. They continually bring their past into the present. This supports their role as victim but prevents them from moving through the pain and into a new season of life.

2. The world view of the professional victim is distorted.

The role of victim provides one with a clear and consistent way to see and understand the world. The victim understands himself to be unusually vulnerable, helpless, and unable to care for himself in a mature manner. This accentuated sense of dependency can be seen in a number of domains. For instance, the victim may adopt a needy and overly vulnerable role in social relationships. Their feeling of unique helplessness may prompt them to believe that they can only benefit from special help provided by a particularly qualified person. The implication is that their problems and difficulties are so complex and out of the ordinary that they require doctors and helping professionals of only the finest training and education. Victims become obsessed with the bad things that have happened to them. They gain a sense of identity in being victims.

3. Professional victimhood is a trap disguised as an explanation.

Ultimately victimhood is a trap. The role of professional victim provides a temporary escape from the pain and responsibilities of life. The victim reasons that their traumatic history is the cause of their current problems and that there is not an effective way to deal with their painful history. The explanation is airtight. The victim is trapped in their relational role. They have defined themselves, in relation to others, as needy, dependent, and unable to cope with life on their own. Consequently, well meaning people become involved in this constructed reality of victimhood. Ironically, those who seek to aid a professional victim often unknowingly perpetuate and solidify this circular and self-validating role.

4. The professional victim refuses adulthood.

The notion of adulthood is consistent with the concepts of freedom and responsibility. These two principles, freedom and responsibility, are reciprocal and interdependent. One cannot be gained without the other. As our behavior and lifestyle becomes more responsible, our capacity for freedom also increases. Yet, victimhood renounces personal responsibility (“I am a product of my past; I cannot change what has happened to me; I am who I am and I cannot change”). The lyrics of a poem by Anna Russell aptly convey this notion of reduced responsibility for those who assume the role of victim.

At three I had a feeling of,

Ambivalence toward my brother.

And so it follows naturally,

I poisoned all my lovers.

But now I’m happy; I have learned,

The lesson that has taught.

That everything I do that’s wrong,

Is someone else’s fault.

5. Professional victims turn away from their own strengths and ability to cope.

Professional victims fail to remind themselves of their ability to cope and persevere in the face of adversity. They discount their inherent resilience and ability to bounce back. Professional victims fail to acknowledge that one can choose how one responds to a trauma. They dwell on damaging past hurts and do not remind themselves of how they have faced problems in the past and have carried on. Sadly, the professional victim is overwhelmed by their pain and this reduces their ability to cope effectively. To their own detriment victims often withdraw, isolate themselves, and seek the “cover” of others.

VICTIMHOOD AND AMERICAN CULTURE

The newspapers and evening newscasts are filled with the stories of adults assuming the role of professional victim. It seems that few are willing to bear the full consequences of their own behavior. We blame nearly everyone and everything. Two of the most common targets of our blame are our parents (they divorced; they should have divorced; they provided me with too much of a good thing; they provided me with too little; I was pushed and pressured to unrealistic heights; I wasn’t encouraged to do more with my life), and the government (they are so intrusive and into my stuff; don’t they care about the little guy?; there are so many laws I can’t keep track of it all).

It seems that few are willing to bear the full consequences of their own behavior. We blame nearly everyone and everything.

It is sad that even the judicial system has also become seduced by the notion of victimhood. Recent court decisions have reinforced the idea that perpetrators can also be victims. For instance, a recent case determined that a burglar, who had forcibly entered a home with the intent of stealing some of the belongings therein, could file a case against the homeowner who used a firearm against him. The burglar and his attorney were able to convince the jury that he was the victim of the homeowner.

Daytime television also promulgates the gospel of victimhood. Sally, Oprah, and Rosie all thrive on the lives of victims. Very few of their guests are responsible, mature, independent adults. Rather, they tend to interview people who have been “victimized” and continue to see themselves as victims. It seems that as a nation we have become addicted to the narcotic of victimhood. Our taste in television reflects who we are and who we are becoming. We would rather sit and watch a victim and cheer them on rather than be up out of our chairs taking responsible action for ourselves. Through the “drug” of victimhood we have become accustomed to the surreal notion that we are not primarily responsible for our own actions and responses. Behavior, especially our negative and unwanted behavior, is often attributed to some hurt or pain encountered in the past.

ALTERNATIVES TO LIFE AS A VICTIM

Moments of loss need not be the defining events of our lives. Loss, pain, and hardship are common to all people. Yet, life need not be organized around our experiences of hurt. Rather, I recommend that our lives be defined by how we deal with and respond to loss. I suggest that our experience of loss and pain revolve around a proactive and forward looking perspective. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us.

We do not have the freedom to opt out of the difficult events of life. Yet, it is the power to choose and the courage to exercise that choice wisely, that adds dignity to our humanity. The ability to choose a new path allows us the opportunity to transcend our circumstances and releases us from living as mere victims.

Rather than bemoaning our past hardships we can move beyond painful memories and situations. We cannot forget the pain we have encountered just as we cannot avoid all future pain. But, we can be at rest. We can reach a state of restful resolve. This requires that we honestly face our hurt and incorporate it into our lives and our future. We need to be willing to move on without having all the answers. Based upon my personal experience and work with hundreds of clients, I have come to the conclusion that such a change of course and state of rest can only come about as we develop an abiding relationship with God. Jesus aptly described this through the metaphor of the vine and the branches. “For just as the branch cannot bear any fruit unless it shares the life of the vine, so you can produce nothing unless you go on growing in me. I am the vine itself, you are the branches. It is the person who shares my life and whose life I share who proves fruitful” (John 15:5).

Rather than living as a victims we can allow ourselves to be transformed by suffering. We can choose to turn toward the pain of life rather than run from it. A key component of effectively dealing with past and present pain is to approach our lives in a proactive way. Below is a listing, compiled by S. Covey, contrasting proactive and reactive approaches to life. These two lists highlight our choices in dealing with loss and pain.

Reactive Language

• There is nothing I can do
• That’s just the way I am.
• I can’t.
• I must
• If only
• How can I avoid this situation?

Proactive Language

• Let’s look at the alternatives.
• I choose.
• I can choose a different approach.
• I prefer.
• I will.
• What can I gain and learn from this painful experience?

IN CLOSING

Pain and loss are inevitable. Life is not fair and we will not see true justice this side of heaven. Even so, suffering and pain can be redemptive—they can serve as catalysts for positive change. But the stance of the professional victim renders the power of pain and suffering as impotent and irrelevant. Sadly, victimhood brings us to focus primarily on ourselves. For the victim there is a need to resolutely, yet restfully, resolve past hurt and pain and move onto the fullness of life and relationships that God has for us.